The Yellow Room

I want to remember this yellow room. From the double bed I can see 4 mirrors. A room painted pale yellow. A yellow vanity, perhaps from the 70's. Yellow, green and brown printed curtains, perhaps from the 60's. A yellow "press" (clothing wardrobe). In the window sits orange roses from my current lover. The window is quite large. Decorated by a paper mache star, a gift from a friend who stay at a monk meditiation temple. A round crystal globe, that makes rainbows when hit witht he light. My bedspread match the room, as if planned. White douvet cover with rey leaves and soft splotches of yellow, light blue and orange. My suitcase sits in the corner with tags from my trip back home to Canada. The first trip since I left the country. Next to that, is a pair of red knock off converse that I purchased at the charity shop. I love it here. I love my room in Ireland. Ilove the incredibly beautiful house that I live in. So much character, it is as if it has a life of its' own. I am so grateful to be where I am. To be who I am To becoming who I am. I am so blessed for the incredibly beautiful people who I have met upon this adventure in the last year. It is hard to believe that it has almost been 10 months since moving to this country. I am so lucky to have had these last 2 years single, to learn about myself, work on myself and simply embrace and love myself. It is such a beautiful thing. So amazing to be afforded this time. This opportunity. I am so lucky. You really just never know from one day to the next how much time one may have on their own. And it also shows me that I am never really alone. I have fostered such incredible connections with family, friends and coworkers. This adventure has been a lifelong dream. I have tears of gratefulness. This chapter of my story will come to an end at some point in the future. As this adventure was a key step for me to take the next step. To embrace my desire for a partner and children. To put down roots. A new sort of adventure. So beautiful in an entirely different way <3 <3

Pumpkin Scar

It has been almost a year. Since the last Thanksgiving that we shared. It has been almost a year of establishing myself. Standing on my own two feet. I look down at my thumb and see the pumpkin scar. It is pumpkin season now. And when I see a pumpkin my heart aches. Because of that thanksgiving when I baked a pumpkin pie from scratch, my grandmother's recipe. When slicing the pumpkins, the knife slipped and sliced open the knuckle on my thumb. The scar is significant. It is noticeable. Knarly to the eye. But I see it. I see pumpkins and My heart wells. I think of you. Thanksgiving. Fall. That was our time. Our most special memories were made. We spent 3 thanksgivings together. The last one, we weren't even a couple anymore but we were still completely in love. And went to your family event anyway. I no longer have hope about you and I. The pain has dulled but is most certainly still there. I have taken this year to recuperate. Allowing my heart to rebuild. I have moved on in many different ways. But was not able to pull off a serious relationship since you. I know someday this will change. You have since jumped head first into a new relationship. You're married now. Engaged in only 1-2 months. I remember in the spring when I found out I thought "The love of my life, my soul mate, is getting married to someone who is not me". We were apart 5 months by then. I think differently now. But that doesn't take away that I miss you. I miss that special beautiful love that we shared. How shocking, quick and beautiful our connection was. And I feel I have been looking too hard, for the next one. Or for something similar. But then I remembered. It just happens. I don't need to look. I hope that you continue to be happy. I am sure you have no clue how much I still think of you. How something so simple as a pumpkin will never be the same. That I look down at my pumpkin scar and think fondly of you and our times. Take care moon.

Vertigo

Vertigo

Bubble bathing

Bubble bathing while she's numb. Fragments of memories stored in her body. Fading in and out, certainly not a pleasure. Sometimes choking on her own breath. Feels like her throat is twisted full of copper death. But then eye lashes flutter, seemingly back to life. Fuzzy mind fades. But it still feels rough. Mind gone blank, yet again Stomach twisted, like your eyes around the highway bend. Anticipating a tightly woven curve. Body bracing for a swerve. Body suddenly frozen, ice crystals rushing. Radiating from chest outwards. But then the heat of the bath brings her in. In and out from comfortably numb.

Divorce

I heard about it. How two people who were so in love Best friends Striving toward a life together Joining families. Children. House. Grandchildren. And then things go south. Conflicts do not go away. They become larger. Apparently those conflicts seem like riddles that cannot be solved. Or in my case two lives started to diverge. It became clear that the paths were no longer headed in the same direction. OR at least one or both decided the problem could not be fixed. But I always found it heartbreaking. How a couple who had spent so much life together, could become so hateful and nasty toward one and other. How divorce can bring out the worst. I thought that it couldn't happen to us. But then it did. At least some twisted version of the cliche. I guess I get it. But not really. Not in my heart. I cannot understand how it can go from there to here. In general I do not feel hatred. But with recent experiences I feel hints of it. Or at least resentment. How could it suddenly be more about equity,dividing of debt than mutual respect for one and other? Despite the pain, I am motivated. I do not want to let this experience lead me to become bitter and divorced. I choose to look at it as hopefully a learning experience. Hopefully it will help me grow as a person. Perhaps I will not make the same mistakes again. Maybe I will do more to show appreciation and gratefulness. All that I know is that I will never divorce again. I will be blessed if I am ever so lucky to feel open enough to reconsider marriage. This caused me to realize just how much I have not only hurt him, but others from the past. In retrospect I was wondering through life somewhat carelessly. Not aware of how my actions and words would hurt those I care about the most. I can't fix my mistakes from before. I've tried to make amends with those that I was aware of that I hurt. But I am sure there are others I have crushed and didn't realize. I don't want to live life in this way. I want to show my loved ones how much I care. I want to fix it quickly when I make a mistake. But please no grudges. I hold none. I can't help if you hold one against me and have not brought it to my attention. Please know that if you did raise it to my awareness. That I have hurt you, you will receive the most sincere apology. I choose not to become bitter. I choose to take this opportunity to be grateful for the good things.

The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling

In recent years, recent months it appears to be tragedy after tragedy. Whether it be the forest fires out in Fort Mac. or the recent deaths at the club in Florida. The refugee camps, the poverty, the war. The immense human suffering is overwhelming at times. So much so that I prefer to just focus on my little bubble of life for now. I want to focus on what I am grateful for rather than the problems in the world. Today I am grateful that the two kitties sitting on the couch with me are not currently hissing and attacking one and other. I am grateful for a fantastic career where I am consistently challenged and inspired. I feel content with the direction my life has taken overall. I am proud of myself for trying new things even as simple as the paint n sips that are sooo common right now. I will continue to notice the little things. To embrace the beautiful weather today. To appreciate my loved ones, and the selfless acts of kindness of others. I am super excited for attachment trauma training this summer. I am looking forward to a bit of a vacation on PEI. I am terrified and excited to (hopefully) be taking over the house on my own September 1. I am relieved and content with my choice to continue to be independent, and take my time. To acknowledge that the factors in my life do not need to be cookie cutter. I am happy to be divorced and soon have my finances totally separated from my ex-husband. I am ecstatic to get to spend time with my niece and nephews. I am soo grateful I will have a safe home for them to stay any time they like and/or need. I am so happy and grateful to get my family doctor back. To have a medical professional who is so fantastic to work with, who actively listens to my concerns. If there is one thing to be said about my last few years is that they have been filled with heart break. That kind of stuff that all of the songs sing about. I never fully understood it until these last two years. Finally guys, I get it! haha.

Living life with small doses of reflections

It is really the strangest thing to go back to my posts from like 2004/2006. So unusual. I noticed that I was quite anxious and even paranoid of strangers, in particular men. I saw how reckless and silly I was. I am still silly though! heh. I saw how lost I was. Stressed? It is fascinating how quickly it went from that to sort of getting my life together. I think things really started to change when I started to work at the bank. As of last weekend, I have moved back to nb. For a THIRD TIME! Life certainly is strange. I feel much more content these days. So at peace that I don't even feel like typing :P I have resolved issues such as the recurring dreams about that "friend" I briefly mentioned like 8 years ago. Still trying to work through the last tiny bits. But I am confident it will happen. I sometimes idealize others. I certainly have issues letting go. And forgiving myself for my mistakes.