Wednesday, January 21, 2015

And here are some mumblings about my personal life

I just did something that no 28 year old woman should do. Haha just kidding. But I am still cringing. I so happen to have kept this blog since about 2004 or 2005. Kinda cool, right? I get to keep track of my development, basically for my 20's. I just re-read the posts from the year I noticed I had the most entries. aaaaaaaaggggllllll Each and every entry seems to focus on the following themes in order of most commonly discussed: Danial, school, health. I mean the posts about Danial... like every single time. It just makes me feel gross. So much of my life seemed to be focused on my relationship. I seemed to be desperately trying to make it work. I almost ask myself, did I have nothing else to focus my attention on? I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking (obsessing?) about that relationship. But let's put this into context, shall we? It was 2009. When dude joined the military that I tried to force myself to be okay with. That doesn't excuse all of the posts before. Not to mention the WRITTEN JOURNAL entries that I have. I stopped looking at them and writing at one point because it was so focused on being upset with that man. It's quite sad. How long it took me to finally come to the decision based on how long it was clear that our lives were going in apposing directions. In some ways I find myself focusing/analyzing my current relationship too much. I am actually catching myself at times. I mean it makes sense that some thinking patterns would creep up from the end of a 11 year relationship. It's just exhausting. And I have other things going for me. My relationship is definitely my top priority but so is my work, personal goals and family. I wish that my brain;s "default" mode wasn't "over-analyze the shit outa A B or C". In fact, in my "new life" I have just recently found that I have energy to BOTH read to further educate myself for work AND pleasure read. Like, how come this blog didn't talk about the fact that last weekend Jeff and I made a day trip to go to my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday? I go to see my adorable niece and nephews. My boyfriend was welcomed into both sides of the family since December. That's pretty cool! I miss girl time with my mom and sister. I wanna be more involved with my family. I am going to do another 5K race. Sebastian tried to jump on top of the fridge tonight and slid down and plopped on her but on the fridge which caused me burst into laughter for 10 minutes. Good stuff if you ask me! hahaha. I went to French class tonight and was the only student that showed up. I got some rad one on one teaching that I think actually motivated me a bit more for French.

Mumblings about work

Work: I rarely discuss anything about my work on here although it is what I spend to majority of my time on. My brain is currently swimming with various levels as associated with mental health. The personal, political, professional and many other layers. I have been working in my role for just over a year. I am learning the extremely differing education which leads to a completely different view of the same work. It's interesting because the professionals from differing disciplines are essentially completing the same role. Yet our training takes such different angles. Predominately, I find my workplace focuses on the mental health of the individual. If you are reading this and are not in the field of mental health, you are likely thinking, so what? Well, I definitely focus on the individual but I cannot view the person without the systems that they are living within. When I see a person, I do not just see the "mental health symptoms". I see the various systems that are at play which is hugely because of my education (and personality) focus on the System's Theory. I have never met a person who does not work within differing systems. Myself for example: I am an educated female from a particular graduating class. I am a daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, ex-wife, worker in the social sciences, part of an interdisciplinary team, French student, hockey player, etc, etc. Each of these roles connects me to a system. The interactions I have and receive from each system cause a chain reaction and have an impact on my behavior in other aspects of my life. In simple terms; CONTEXT. My context along with my genetics, personality and learned values all have an impact on who I am. This is so driven by the other people and organizations that I am associated with. So in my day to day personal life, and work life, I find it impossible to look at a "man as an island". My brain almost automatically registers the impact of the various systems that a person lives within. I realize that this is not the typical way of viewing things. This as well as an analytical mind lead to me interpreting a simple comment in 4 different ways. Perhaps I over think at times which can cause trouble. But in general I have a lot of appreciation and respect for people given the various factors that shape who they are. I won't complain about that!! I just need to be mindful that this is not the view that all (or many) take, even within the field of mental health. Of course, like any workplace there are many many many components beyond a basic set of practicing principles that have my wheels turning. My ultimate point is today I had another experience that further concreted the idea that I strongly prefer not to get hung up on diagnosing a client as mentally ill and focusing on how to "fix" their illness. I much prefer to look at the person as they are with all of the complexities that their systems bring. I wish to focus on improving health... maybe healing of sorts rather than "fixing the problem (person). So if my beliefs differ from the medical mental health system, I seem to be left with more to ponder. Do I take a stand and attempt to introduce coworker to this other way of thinking? Or do I find another avenue to work within a place that fits with my values of being "therapeutic". I mean, in the ideal situation, I could be flexible, work within a flexible system that allows various approaches to treatment whether it is individual or systemic. I wonder.