Never said it would be easy,
but who said it would be his hard?
-Coldplay

It doesn't seem fair
To you or to me
to be caught up in that type of fantasy

I try and I try to put myself in your shoes
It doesn't work and is fustrating,
Like spinning thread onto spools

Then I noticed
There are forbidden names
Names that aren't said
without emotional turns

Why are there limits?
To what can be said or done?
Life is without freedom
no matter what we have said or done

It was previously simple
The rules were clear
But when the time comes it changes

It is all so confusing,
because of within
not lost in translation,
with varsious tongues or fears

I wonder-----

I am currently avoiding school work. This is something that was regular when I was at UNB but hardly happens anymore. I am extremely overwhelmed right now ("is it possible to be 'whelmed'" haha). My brain is spinning. I can't complain too much though because I have had an okay day today. I got back a couple of assignments and did better than I expected to. That makes it okay. I am glad that I will now be having both Monday and Friday off. I really need it! I was finding that working on Monday just stressed me out. I will still work Saturdays, which I don't mind. I can do whatever on the weekend as long as i get sunday to catch up on reading.

Obviously school is on my mind A LOT. That is the biggest part of my life right now. I feel like I am at such strange point in life. I think that I feel like that any time that I think clearly about my situation.

Other than school and work, I am volunteering at two places. One is quite organized- a crisis centre the other not as organized- i basically pick the events that I would like to take part in. In the past I never would have understood just how much cna be learned from volunteering. I have always been the type to take pride in my job, but volunteering give me a different aspect.

ah.. I know what I need.. a chill night out of the house. Not a big adventure or a bar scene but just something simple.
I ran out of my favorite Chai tea ..

hmmmm

Finally curtains in the living room. It only took 3 years and we were too cheap to purchase our own. Mom was nice enough to give me an old set. I don't like getting too "homey" here though, because I fully intend to move out.
The market it so awful right now that our house is a hard sell. I feel like it holds me back. I was going to be in Toronto for September 2008 but cancelled because of the house not selling.

I watched the movie "Into the Wild". I have been thinking about it a lot because it is so bittersweet. Sometimes I can completely relate to him. I too, was once was all honest and found it horribly fustrating to realize that it isn't how people work. I love how this story describes freedom. Ultimate freedom being into the wild with no strings attached. I wish that I could just go somewhere.. get up and leave without having obligations. Not likely ey? It is one of those things that I hear most people say at least once.

I know that I say it all the time, but I am shocked how different my life is now than what I expected. And I am only 22. The pressure is more and more 'on' to be responsible as we get older and older. I can totally relate to the people who never settle down. I wish that I could have a real adventure. Even though I say this I realize that it probably won't happen. Not with my current situation at least. I really want to explore, but not in a structured way.

I went on a trip to Calgary which was awsome. I am surprised with how different it is compared with the maritimes! Even compared with Central Canada it is a huge change.

Another tihng about the "Into the Wild" story that makes me think is about solitude. Even though I love people and would be extremely lonely without anyone, I sometimes wish to be completely alone. I don't just mean alone for a day to myself. I sometimes wish that I could be alone for months and months at a time. I have fantasies about what it would be like. Life is so busy that I don't get too much time for self reflection any more. Now that I am a little more mature I understand that this is simply 'life'. I wonder if being alone would increase my creativity or simply make me see clearly that I have lost my creativity?

I think it would be interesting to be alone for an extended period of time and then see who would come across me. Would I have interesting insights? Or would I simply turn into a crazy?

Oh here is another thought... Children... I think that it is funny that I was brought up to automatically assume that I would have kids someday. It is made to seem to logical and natural. Would it be horribly selfish to not have children? I think that the ability to create life is amazing but why should I feel like I want to do this. It is interesting that so many people feel that they need to have children to be fufilled. I certainly want to be fufilled or to reach "self actualization" but I believe that baby making is not required.

Now this is not saying that I do not want to have kids, it is just me questioning how the idea of having kids was placed in my mind.

There is something that I need to do to reach fufillment, but I wonder if striving to reach this is what keeps humans active and happy. If I reached my full potential I guess that I can then continue to retain it, but I think that people would loose interest in life.

All that I know is that my deepest "want" is not material. I am not sure if it is an adventure or to attempt becomeing a better person but the "want" is there.

If only I could sufficently psychoanalize myself. haha.

questions questions questions. I am full of them.