hmmmm

Finally curtains in the living room. It only took 3 years and we were too cheap to purchase our own. Mom was nice enough to give me an old set. I don't like getting too "homey" here though, because I fully intend to move out.
The market it so awful right now that our house is a hard sell. I feel like it holds me back. I was going to be in Toronto for September 2008 but cancelled because of the house not selling.

I watched the movie "Into the Wild". I have been thinking about it a lot because it is so bittersweet. Sometimes I can completely relate to him. I too, was once was all honest and found it horribly fustrating to realize that it isn't how people work. I love how this story describes freedom. Ultimate freedom being into the wild with no strings attached. I wish that I could just go somewhere.. get up and leave without having obligations. Not likely ey? It is one of those things that I hear most people say at least once.

I know that I say it all the time, but I am shocked how different my life is now than what I expected. And I am only 22. The pressure is more and more 'on' to be responsible as we get older and older. I can totally relate to the people who never settle down. I wish that I could have a real adventure. Even though I say this I realize that it probably won't happen. Not with my current situation at least. I really want to explore, but not in a structured way.

I went on a trip to Calgary which was awsome. I am surprised with how different it is compared with the maritimes! Even compared with Central Canada it is a huge change.

Another tihng about the "Into the Wild" story that makes me think is about solitude. Even though I love people and would be extremely lonely without anyone, I sometimes wish to be completely alone. I don't just mean alone for a day to myself. I sometimes wish that I could be alone for months and months at a time. I have fantasies about what it would be like. Life is so busy that I don't get too much time for self reflection any more. Now that I am a little more mature I understand that this is simply 'life'. I wonder if being alone would increase my creativity or simply make me see clearly that I have lost my creativity?

I think it would be interesting to be alone for an extended period of time and then see who would come across me. Would I have interesting insights? Or would I simply turn into a crazy?

Oh here is another thought... Children... I think that it is funny that I was brought up to automatically assume that I would have kids someday. It is made to seem to logical and natural. Would it be horribly selfish to not have children? I think that the ability to create life is amazing but why should I feel like I want to do this. It is interesting that so many people feel that they need to have children to be fufilled. I certainly want to be fufilled or to reach "self actualization" but I believe that baby making is not required.

Now this is not saying that I do not want to have kids, it is just me questioning how the idea of having kids was placed in my mind.

There is something that I need to do to reach fufillment, but I wonder if striving to reach this is what keeps humans active and happy. If I reached my full potential I guess that I can then continue to retain it, but I think that people would loose interest in life.

All that I know is that my deepest "want" is not material. I am not sure if it is an adventure or to attempt becomeing a better person but the "want" is there.

If only I could sufficently psychoanalize myself. haha.

questions questions questions. I am full of them.