Oh my god. I miss you.

Closure

Thank you. I finally have closure over something that is over a decade old.

Dream

In nb was finishing up with client work. Once that was finished, I had to scramble to the place that belonged to J and I. My parents had arrived and I had to finish packing. I was dividing items but continued to lack progress. As I separated items ,they would find their way back together again. Everything was a disorganized mess. N was there. She was very emotional to say goodbye. As she hugged me I could feel her large tears falling into my lap. It was difficult to see her in so much pain. J was at work while I attempted to pack up my last car load of things. M was apparently moving in. At one point he walked in and I was naked. I jogged and skipped across the hall to find something to wear. I was somewhat self conscious that he had just seen me naked for the first time. J would never smoke indoors at the last place. But as I ran through I noticed that M had been doing so. He was smoking at the porch. When he saw me at first, he gave me that awkward, mixed emotion smile. No embrace. As I jogged through the place nude, I saw spirals of smoke from the rooms that M must have been in. I was surprised that he was in a room that had most of my stuff. I then noticed that his stuff was also tangled in the mess. My parents returned. Dad had to be back to the island for work and was pressuring me to hurry up. I could see by looking at them how unconditionally they loved me. My mom's eyes full of love, she hugged me and began to tear up. She said that she hopes that they (mom and dad) were enough. I told her that I am of them. Of course they are enough. She said that she used to see herself and dad in me when I was young. But she didn't see it now. I told her that it is mostly all I can see when I look at myself. Got in dad's truck. If was full of random crap from my place. He made a little complaint about it. I had felt so rushed that I forgot many items and would have to return to the house again. Emotions; confusion, love, gratitude, pain, heartbreak, fear, sadness

Heat

I just reread that post about P.E.I. that I wrote. Since then I have accepted a full time position there. Looks like my feeling was correct. I start in June. It is quite quite quite bittersweet. This is my last week at work. I am saying goodbye to so many people. Places. Routines. Such a time of change. I am quite emotional about it. Crying over random thoughts throughout the day. This is the first time that I feel like I am totally doing it on my own. Which is great on the independence side of things. But I am sad. I have a lot of work to get through this week. It is overwhelming. But I know that once it is complete I will be excited. I have 2 weeks off between jobs. A defry vacation. I am sure I will be excited when I get through this week. But I will also be sad. It is the end of a major part of my life... in so many way. I still know that I am doing the right thing though. i am blessed in many ways. But I am also bitter about the other things.

More misadventures

Wow. It really is amazing how differently life turns out than expected. I am now 29. Separated from a long term marriage. Then had my second serious relationship and am single again. I remember thinking of my life in my 20's. I didn't have very fancy dreams. Something like: Married Living on PEI with children But lets look before my 20's. When I was high school I didn't think that I would even be married by now. Kind of interesting. Here is my reality: Separated/single No children Living off island. Say what? haha. Oh well. I have been doing a lot a lot a lot of reflection and focusing myself on what goals are important to me. I have decided that long term, living on PEI is a must. Thus, I have finally started the process of seeking employment on the island. I want to be a mom. Perhaps I will be one of those trendy and modern single adoptive parents? As for a romantic relationship. It doesn't really matter to me. I haven't had much life lived as a single adult so I am going to start there. I have no interests in a long term relationship. I have never felt this way before. Interesting new development. I know better than to say "never". But I really just wanna live my life for me for a while and take care of myself. When I reread this paragraph it does sounds as if I have given up. I know that living on PEI will happen. I can feel it. I also know that I will go on an adventure somewhere for like a year or something. Which order or when, I am unsure. I am moving my furniture to PEI this weekend and going to live out of a suitcase for a while. Wild. I am hurting someone very much by doing this. It is extremely painful but I have to follow my intuition. I am sorry. Very sincerely sorry. I feel terrified in some ways but it is like I am finally putting steps in place to meet my dreams/ next goals. I am so blessed with having loved ones, family and friends who are there for me. TRULY there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. xo

And here are some mumblings about my personal life

I just did something that no 28 year old woman should do. Haha just kidding. But I am still cringing. I so happen to have kept this blog since about 2004 or 2005. Kinda cool, right? I get to keep track of my development, basically for my 20's. I just re-read the posts from the year I noticed I had the most entries. aaaaaaaaggggllllll Each and every entry seems to focus on the following themes in order of most commonly discussed: Danial, school, health. I mean the posts about Danial... like every single time. It just makes me feel gross. So much of my life seemed to be focused on my relationship. I seemed to be desperately trying to make it work. I almost ask myself, did I have nothing else to focus my attention on? I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking (obsessing?) about that relationship. But let's put this into context, shall we? It was 2009. When dude joined the military that I tried to force myself to be okay with. That doesn't excuse all of the posts before. Not to mention the WRITTEN JOURNAL entries that I have. I stopped looking at them and writing at one point because it was so focused on being upset with that man. It's quite sad. How long it took me to finally come to the decision based on how long it was clear that our lives were going in apposing directions. In some ways I find myself focusing/analyzing my current relationship too much. I am actually catching myself at times. I mean it makes sense that some thinking patterns would creep up from the end of a 11 year relationship. It's just exhausting. And I have other things going for me. My relationship is definitely my top priority but so is my work, personal goals and family. I wish that my brain;s "default" mode wasn't "over-analyze the shit outa A B or C". In fact, in my "new life" I have just recently found that I have energy to BOTH read to further educate myself for work AND pleasure read. Like, how come this blog didn't talk about the fact that last weekend Jeff and I made a day trip to go to my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday? I go to see my adorable niece and nephews. My boyfriend was welcomed into both sides of the family since December. That's pretty cool! I miss girl time with my mom and sister. I wanna be more involved with my family. I am going to do another 5K race. Sebastian tried to jump on top of the fridge tonight and slid down and plopped on her but on the fridge which caused me burst into laughter for 10 minutes. Good stuff if you ask me! hahaha. I went to French class tonight and was the only student that showed up. I got some rad one on one teaching that I think actually motivated me a bit more for French.

Mumblings about work

Work: I rarely discuss anything about my work on here although it is what I spend to majority of my time on. My brain is currently swimming with various levels as associated with mental health. The personal, political, professional and many other layers. I have been working in my role for just over a year. I am learning the extremely differing education which leads to a completely different view of the same work. It's interesting because the professionals from differing disciplines are essentially completing the same role. Yet our training takes such different angles. Predominately, I find my workplace focuses on the mental health of the individual. If you are reading this and are not in the field of mental health, you are likely thinking, so what? Well, I definitely focus on the individual but I cannot view the person without the systems that they are living within. When I see a person, I do not just see the "mental health symptoms". I see the various systems that are at play which is hugely because of my education (and personality) focus on the System's Theory. I have never met a person who does not work within differing systems. Myself for example: I am an educated female from a particular graduating class. I am a daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, ex-wife, worker in the social sciences, part of an interdisciplinary team, French student, hockey player, etc, etc. Each of these roles connects me to a system. The interactions I have and receive from each system cause a chain reaction and have an impact on my behavior in other aspects of my life. In simple terms; CONTEXT. My context along with my genetics, personality and learned values all have an impact on who I am. This is so driven by the other people and organizations that I am associated with. So in my day to day personal life, and work life, I find it impossible to look at a "man as an island". My brain almost automatically registers the impact of the various systems that a person lives within. I realize that this is not the typical way of viewing things. This as well as an analytical mind lead to me interpreting a simple comment in 4 different ways. Perhaps I over think at times which can cause trouble. But in general I have a lot of appreciation and respect for people given the various factors that shape who they are. I won't complain about that!! I just need to be mindful that this is not the view that all (or many) take, even within the field of mental health. Of course, like any workplace there are many many many components beyond a basic set of practicing principles that have my wheels turning. My ultimate point is today I had another experience that further concreted the idea that I strongly prefer not to get hung up on diagnosing a client as mentally ill and focusing on how to "fix" their illness. I much prefer to look at the person as they are with all of the complexities that their systems bring. I wish to focus on improving health... maybe healing of sorts rather than "fixing the problem (person). So if my beliefs differ from the medical mental health system, I seem to be left with more to ponder. Do I take a stand and attempt to introduce coworker to this other way of thinking? Or do I find another avenue to work within a place that fits with my values of being "therapeutic". I mean, in the ideal situation, I could be flexible, work within a flexible system that allows various approaches to treatment whether it is individual or systemic. I wonder.

hey, dude.. if you wanna be single we'll need a complete list of financial debts and assets

I wonder.. If in our society; after marriage if the male also typically changed his name, if we would see the invasion of privacy and, I'll just say it,oppression, that a woman will endure to return to her maiden name? I really have not personally experienced a true sense of violation from society until I became legally separated and pursued returning to my maiden name. Have you gotten married and changed your name to your partner's? It is relatively easy. Our system and society encourages it. In fact, it feels quite nice to see the smiles of the government workers as they pleasantly change your identification. But now; each time i change my name, i get the congratulations from an assumption that ive recently been happily wed. And I do find it painful and each time is like an unintentional stab of pain. Then to top it off?, most places require me to pay large chunks of money to return to my maiden name. Jeeze when i changed my name at University the first time to the Married name there was no fee,no penalty. This time, yes I required a replacement degree and 120 dollars. But that is almost understandable. . However many places ask for "proof"that the relationship dissolved. What is proof you ask? Well 2 pieces of identification with your "New" name, a divorce certificate or the divorce or separation agreement, accompanied of course by a nominal fee. Each and every time that i am required to submit my legal separation papers, i cringe. Not only does it feel painful to be changing my name in the first place, but here are some more hoops to jump through. .. and Just to make the experience all that more painful, these organizations want to see the dirty details of the end of the marriage. "How much did she take him for? " None. Equal divide. "Who gets the house? " "how much debt did they rack up over the years? " "has she gone for his pension? " No. "Now, why exactitude Exactly are they stating as their reason to do something as terrible as end a marriage? " I don't usually go off on rants such as these but man. It's like I'm being raped of my freedom to have a personal life with confidential details. And it just keeps going. More congratulations from the person attempting to come from a place of kindness. But then recongratulating me when i correct them? Now in that situation, I'm sure that she had no clue what else to say. But offensive, yes. Or the coworker that offers their seemingly kind ears. Once they hear that the marriage ending is painful, making a comment such as "yep. See. That's why it's probably better just to stick with it because the grass isn't really greener " Yes everyone. That is your opinion. But sharing it with me in this way is truly inconsiderate. The funny part, I'm actually at a much better place with the name change thing and could never appropriately write about it while i was experiencing the true depth of the pain. But, I was just aggressively woken up by the courier man attacking my door with his fists, delivering my degree with the "corrected"name and thought id share :)

Rainbows, Pancakes, Apple Blossoms and Sebastian's Handshakes

I am still in awe with how much has happened over the last 2 years. I am in a very good place in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been. More sure of my choices than I knew possible. Since June I obtained a sense of closure from the end of the marriage. I was also able to fully open my heart to my lovey Jeff. He has moved in with me. I am reaallllyyy learning a lot about myself. Feel bad that Jeff gets to be part of that roller coaster... but I am still just so happy. I feel so blessed.

Anger subsided

Well the anger has greatly reduced. I have been all over the place emotionally over the last couple of months. I am definitely noticing a difference. I am feeling better. So strange to say that. I am focused again. And I haven't been able to say this since finishing my masters degree, but I am able to delightfully daydream about my future. All wonderful things that I greatly appreciate. I feel good. I feel independent. I could almost say, I am happy :)

Angry

Just angry. I was kind of mad at myself before. I was mostly feeling bad. Guilty. Whatever. Sad. I felt terrible in a lot of ways. But I haven't been angry at him. I was angry at him before. For a long time. But when it came to the end I just took all the responsibility. Now. After the time has gone by, I am remembering what has pissed me off. And imagine, I am angry again. The good thing is that I am not full of rage. I am simply angry. Remembering. Maybe this time I won't forget. I am more than willing to take responsibility for my parts. I think that there is a possibility that I can not only forgive myself but forgive him too.

loneliest

So this is what it feels like to be alone. Or what I suppose loneliness is. Yuck.

Motivational Interviewing to Inspiration ey?

I was recently at a 2 day training for Motivational Interviewing. An activity was for us to pick people who inspire us and the reasons why. I have heard about this whole concept before.. but it sounded cheesy and I never actually took the time to think about it. I stared at the blank sheet and had no idea what to write. I had certain people coming to mind but it felt far too personal for a work thing. THEN I was surprised to find that I am totally one of those cliche people that is inspired by... the one and only 'mom'. Everyone but 2 in the course shared their inspirational person stories. It was an invigorating moment. Very emotional. I was too choked up to share mine. So it has been a couple of weeks but I have decided to really do some thinking about this. I journaled about it tonight... but will share the short/ less personal version here. And this is what I came up with. Inspirational People, to name a few MOM; To work hard, love relentlessly and to fight for those I care about DAD; To stand up for myself, dream big, to love interacting with people from all walks of life BRO; To not give a shit about what other people think of you SIS; To fight back even if it is obv I will lose the battle (stick up for self. And to be brave enough to be who you are, different GRAMMY G; To be content with life as it is CHELSEA F; That I am able to strive academically. And school will get me where I wanna go NATASHA; When it seems like the world is against me, I still have mom MITCH; To release creatively, is a beautiful thing CHELSEA L; To be who you are even when criticized by others, do what you love NICOLE C; To continually strive to being a better person. To offer others endless support and excitement for the day to day RICKII; Who is so strong and independent. Won't let others run over her. And to LAUGH DR. S.B.; Who is a professional female who is passionate about F. therapy and inspired my interest in the field THOSE I WORK WITH; Who face their lives as an adventure, full of wonder. Willingness to change DANIAL; -Importance of stability, true commitment to a partner, unlimited support and caring, was always trying to take care of me, looked out for me, always on my side even when I was wrong JEFF; -To fight a war alone with a stick being the only weapon offered. Even when met with continual agony, keeps fighting. Even when in continued pits of turmoil, has capacity to open his heat to love. So caring and passionate. True vulnerability= true beauty. To cause me to honestly critically reflect upon myself. And a whole lot more that I will not share on here :) Soo cheesy, but I so don't care. I am cheesy and totally sobbed for a long while when writing this list. I am so blessed to have crossed paths with these people and many more. You have been so instrumental in my life. xo ~J

Late-- but let's review the last year shall we?

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before? End a 11 year relationship Move to a town for work Trip to Cuba 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No resolutions, no problem! 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Don't remember.. aha no. 4. Did anyone close to you die? Not yet 5. What countries did you visit? Cuba! 6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013. More honesty 7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Mar 2014 Apr 2014- trip to Cuba 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Dunno 9. What was your biggest failure? Overanalysis 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no. 11. What was the best thing you bought? meh 12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My amazing friends who were so there, amazing and available for when I was heartbroken. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? No one got me to the point of feeling apalled. 14. Where did most of your money go? Paying back school debt 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Swimming at night. Floating and seeing the stars 16. What songs will always remind you of 2014? Nora's weirdo album 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? Surprisingly, happier b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. c) richer or poorer? Richer. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Enjoying the moment. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being stuck in my apartment 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Hopefully with fam in pei.. maybe a loved one? 21. Did you fall in love in 2014? :P 22. How many one-night stands? ZERO 23. What was your favourite TV program? Girls. SOA. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No hating 25.What was the best book you read? Bonaventure arrow 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? wierd norah j. 27. What did you want and get? independence 28. What did you want and not get? health, less stress 29. What was your favourite film of this year? i liked into the wild again 30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28. Gals Rickii and Nicole took me out for a last min bday supper at Brewbakers 31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Some clarity of mind 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014? Random, changed throughout the year. Baggy, bus professional, fitted dresses. many many sundreses. 33. What kept you sane? Mom, friends 34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? none 35. What political issue stirred you the most? Addictions 36. Who did you miss? family, lovlie 37. Who was the best new person you met? I remet someone pretty cool. 38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011? The healthy choice is not typically the easy choice. 39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "You remind me of a girl that I once knew. You wouldn't believe all the shit, she put, me through" m-m-mad mad mad

Idiot Compassion

"We need to distinguish true compassion from “idiot compassion”. We sometimes over-react emotionally at the sight of suffering. We can be so distressed that we weep uncontrollably, faint or run away in horror. Our heart may be moved with pity but our emotions are so out-of-control that we can’t do anything to help! In other cases we might do something but because we lack right understanding of the problem or the person experiencing it, our “help” only makes the situation worse. These are examples of idiot compassion. True compassion balances loving-concern with clear wisdom. This wisdom enables us to stay calm and think clearly how best to help, without being carried away by our emotions." (Ven Sangye Khadro from The Four Immeasurables)

I wonder what research may be out there about idiot compassion... from a clinician standpoint.

Chiron Wounded Healer

"Long ago, in ancient greece, the great hero god Heracles was invited to the cave of the centaur Pholos. Chiron, a wise beneficent centaur and great master of healing, was also present. As a token of appreciation and hospitality, Heracles brought a flask of heady wine to the gathering. The rich fragrant liquid attracted other centaurs who, unaccustomed to wine, became drunk and then began to fight. In the ensuing melee Chiron was struck in the knee by an arrow shot by Heracles. Then Chiron instructed Heracles in the art of treating the wound. But because the arrow had been tipped with poison from the Hyrda-- a many-headed monster nearly impossible to slay-- the wound would never fully heal. Capable of healing others, the greatest of healers was unable to completely heal himself; and being immortal, Chiron lives forever with this wound as the archetypal wounded healer."

Significant Changes

Present, Presently There YOU are Here I am Calm but stress toward the end Well well well well well well well This year has been one of mighty changes. The last couple of years have been quite intense.. plugging away. I can very much recall feeling as I did in my last post.. school is done, now what? Although the stress of school was done, I had obtained permanent work, a whole new kind of stress emerged... temporarily raising children. I knew it was coming. Things have been on there way for quite some time. When finally issues for my brother came to the forefront and plans were made, it was almost a relief. Just to know the plan. My niece and nephew arrived at the end of November. And sure, it was an adjustment. But on top of that, my 2.5 hour round trip commute made time and energy nil. Got through until Christmas. Then there was a significant change. I don't totally know what it was but I became depressed. I began to withdraw and isolate. This is not entirely unusual as I have a number of times per year that this would occur. Don't think that it is seasonal, likely situational. It was a very difficult time. My bond with my niece and nephew really grew. At the end of March, they returned to PEI with their dad who is now living with our parents. I think with the accumulation of this as well as many other issues over the years,led to my husband and I separating. I must say, ending a marriage is something else. Not a first that I am easily navigating. Marriage caused our lives to become so intertwined Dividing the debt and assets is a complicated art. One that we are still working on. Then there are all of those other things. We are amicable at this point. I hope it stays this way. I hope to be friends with him but have concerns as to how fair and realistic that would be. Then there is so... sooo much more. Yikes. I am focusing on health. I have been doing quite well for the last month and a half. This week, not as great, but I plan to get back there. I am not living with a colleague in Woodstock. My rent is incredibly affordable. I do, however, feel a great pull toward finding my own place. I am just concerned with logistics including the extra cost. But privacy is important. The 'ex' and I had a trip south canceled which has left me with a travel credit to spend. I so happen to have about a week and a half off at Easter time. If I had the guts, I would go myself. I am not sure if I would like it on my own, but it would likely be very helpful for self care. And, well that is the crazy short version. That leaves out a great many significant details. But I hope summarizes enough so I can read this entry and remember the importance... the integral components, that caused me to feel as I do now .

27 and all grown up. Maybe

So I thought I would try a new layout and of course lost my fun artsy fartsy HTML stuff. Guess it was time for a change! Things that are of mild interest to me: I did the math. I spend minimum of 10 hours in my car to commute to work. Work. WORK. Yes, work. I have been 'awarded' a perm full time position. Woohoo. It is only 1 hour away from my lovely home. Home. HOME. Yes, I bought a house. I also bought some hockey gear. This week I have become a kijiji pro. Fun things about my job: I work with youth It's like I got my dream job It gives me the motivation to develop more of a therapeutic specialty It is PERMANENT. I get fun adult things like benefits. Things I wonder since I've finished school and gotten me and adult job... career even: Now what? Yeah. That's basically it. I have been so focused on school and job hunting that now the hunt is over. I am trying to make my new focus in life to be balance in health, education, spiritual etc etc. But that, as it turns out, is hard.

Perpetually discontent