Today Today I can tell that it was real The way we used to look at one and other The way you'd make me feel Despite each day changing As the seasons in a year I'm confident that what we had Was a true memory safe to bring With me year after year In fact today I am so sure That our connection that was so sweet Continues to exist Despite our attempts to Cause it defeat I'm quite sure you continue to feel it Though it may hibernate and spring to life As a tree which brings with it, a renewed life Today I have this sense of knowing No longer causing self sorrow With queries of Fiction or fact And have come to the realization Though the world is ever changing Feelings change from day to day There is absolutely no chance of changing What was left with us from that day Take care dear friend I am tuly sorry for the pain I hope your life is blissful And passions continue to ignite your flame Xo jemm

Among other things

Well the thoughts come less often now* But still almost each day* I wonder when you'll change your mind* Look at things another way* For some reason I have confidence* When on this topic I should have none* That you will come around from change of heart* And we will see what can be undone* ********************************************************************************************************* Much time has passed since then* But the impact remains great* And for some reason I really believe* That you'll contact me and say* That although this time has passed away* You miss me as I've missed you* You want to try to reconnect* And see what we might do* ********************************************************************************************************* But then some doubt begins to creep* Back into my heart* That though my feelings are genuine* You wish our lives to remain apart* That this will never change* You're pleased with where things are now* And even if there was a chance* You'll remain decided, as if a vow*

Oh my god. I miss you.

Closure

Thank you. I finally have closure over something that is over a decade old.

Dream

In nb was finishing up with client work. Once that was finished, I had to scramble to the place that belonged to J and I. My parents had arrived and I had to finish packing. I was dividing items but continued to lack progress. As I separated items ,they would find their way back together again. Everything was a disorganized mess. N was there. She was very emotional to say goodbye. As she hugged me I could feel her large tears falling into my lap. It was difficult to see her in so much pain. J was at work while I attempted to pack up my last car load of things. M was apparently moving in. At one point he walked in and I was naked. I jogged and skipped across the hall to find something to wear. I was somewhat self conscious that he had just seen me naked for the first time. J would never smoke indoors at the last place. But as I ran through I noticed that M had been doing so. He was smoking at the porch. When he saw me at first, he gave me that awkward, mixed emotion smile. No embrace. As I jogged through the place nude, I saw spirals of smoke from the rooms that M must have been in. I was surprised that he was in a room that had most of my stuff. I then noticed that his stuff was also tangled in the mess. My parents returned. Dad had to be back to the island for work and was pressuring me to hurry up. I could see by looking at them how unconditionally they loved me. My mom's eyes full of love, she hugged me and began to tear up. She said that she hopes that they (mom and dad) were enough. I told her that I am of them. Of course they are enough. She said that she used to see herself and dad in me when I was young. But she didn't see it now. I told her that it is mostly all I can see when I look at myself. Got in dad's truck. If was full of random crap from my place. He made a little complaint about it. I had felt so rushed that I forgot many items and would have to return to the house again. Emotions; confusion, love, gratitude, pain, heartbreak, fear, sadness

Heat

I just reread that post about P.E.I. that I wrote. Since then I have accepted a full time position there. Looks like my feeling was correct. I start in June. It is quite quite quite bittersweet. This is my last week at work. I am saying goodbye to so many people. Places. Routines. Such a time of change. I am quite emotional about it. Crying over random thoughts throughout the day. This is the first time that I feel like I am totally doing it on my own. Which is great on the independence side of things. But I am sad. I have a lot of work to get through this week. It is overwhelming. But I know that once it is complete I will be excited. I have 2 weeks off between jobs. A defry vacation. I am sure I will be excited when I get through this week. But I will also be sad. It is the end of a major part of my life... in so many way. I still know that I am doing the right thing though. i am blessed in many ways. But I am also bitter about the other things.

More misadventures

Wow. It really is amazing how differently life turns out than expected. I am now 29. Separated from a long term marriage. Then had my second serious relationship and am single again. I remember thinking of my life in my 20's. I didn't have very fancy dreams. Something like: Married Living on PEI with children But lets look before my 20's. When I was high school I didn't think that I would even be married by now. Kind of interesting. Here is my reality: Separated/single No children Living off island. Say what? haha. Oh well. I have been doing a lot a lot a lot of reflection and focusing myself on what goals are important to me. I have decided that long term, living on PEI is a must. Thus, I have finally started the process of seeking employment on the island. I want to be a mom. Perhaps I will be one of those trendy and modern single adoptive parents? As for a romantic relationship. It doesn't really matter to me. I haven't had much life lived as a single adult so I am going to start there. I have no interests in a long term relationship. I have never felt this way before. Interesting new development. I know better than to say "never". But I really just wanna live my life for me for a while and take care of myself. When I reread this paragraph it does sounds as if I have given up. I know that living on PEI will happen. I can feel it. I also know that I will go on an adventure somewhere for like a year or something. Which order or when, I am unsure. I am moving my furniture to PEI this weekend and going to live out of a suitcase for a while. Wild. I am hurting someone very much by doing this. It is extremely painful but I have to follow my intuition. I am sorry. Very sincerely sorry. I feel terrified in some ways but it is like I am finally putting steps in place to meet my dreams/ next goals. I am so blessed with having loved ones, family and friends who are there for me. TRULY there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. xo

And here are some mumblings about my personal life

I just did something that no 28 year old woman should do. Haha just kidding. But I am still cringing. I so happen to have kept this blog since about 2004 or 2005. Kinda cool, right? I get to keep track of my development, basically for my 20's. I just re-read the posts from the year I noticed I had the most entries. aaaaaaaaggggllllll Each and every entry seems to focus on the following themes in order of most commonly discussed: Danial, school, health. I mean the posts about Danial... like every single time. It just makes me feel gross. So much of my life seemed to be focused on my relationship. I seemed to be desperately trying to make it work. I almost ask myself, did I have nothing else to focus my attention on? I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking (obsessing?) about that relationship. But let's put this into context, shall we? It was 2009. When dude joined the military that I tried to force myself to be okay with. That doesn't excuse all of the posts before. Not to mention the WRITTEN JOURNAL entries that I have. I stopped looking at them and writing at one point because it was so focused on being upset with that man. It's quite sad. How long it took me to finally come to the decision based on how long it was clear that our lives were going in apposing directions. In some ways I find myself focusing/analyzing my current relationship too much. I am actually catching myself at times. I mean it makes sense that some thinking patterns would creep up from the end of a 11 year relationship. It's just exhausting. And I have other things going for me. My relationship is definitely my top priority but so is my work, personal goals and family. I wish that my brain;s "default" mode wasn't "over-analyze the shit outa A B or C". In fact, in my "new life" I have just recently found that I have energy to BOTH read to further educate myself for work AND pleasure read. Like, how come this blog didn't talk about the fact that last weekend Jeff and I made a day trip to go to my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday? I go to see my adorable niece and nephews. My boyfriend was welcomed into both sides of the family since December. That's pretty cool! I miss girl time with my mom and sister. I wanna be more involved with my family. I am going to do another 5K race. Sebastian tried to jump on top of the fridge tonight and slid down and plopped on her but on the fridge which caused me burst into laughter for 10 minutes. Good stuff if you ask me! hahaha. I went to French class tonight and was the only student that showed up. I got some rad one on one teaching that I think actually motivated me a bit more for French.

Mumblings about work

Work: I rarely discuss anything about my work on here although it is what I spend to majority of my time on. My brain is currently swimming with various levels as associated with mental health. The personal, political, professional and many other layers. I have been working in my role for just over a year. I am learning the extremely differing education which leads to a completely different view of the same work. It's interesting because the professionals from differing disciplines are essentially completing the same role. Yet our training takes such different angles. Predominately, I find my workplace focuses on the mental health of the individual. If you are reading this and are not in the field of mental health, you are likely thinking, so what? Well, I definitely focus on the individual but I cannot view the person without the systems that they are living within. When I see a person, I do not just see the "mental health symptoms". I see the various systems that are at play which is hugely because of my education (and personality) focus on the System's Theory. I have never met a person who does not work within differing systems. Myself for example: I am an educated female from a particular graduating class. I am a daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, ex-wife, worker in the social sciences, part of an interdisciplinary team, French student, hockey player, etc, etc. Each of these roles connects me to a system. The interactions I have and receive from each system cause a chain reaction and have an impact on my behavior in other aspects of my life. In simple terms; CONTEXT. My context along with my genetics, personality and learned values all have an impact on who I am. This is so driven by the other people and organizations that I am associated with. So in my day to day personal life, and work life, I find it impossible to look at a "man as an island". My brain almost automatically registers the impact of the various systems that a person lives within. I realize that this is not the typical way of viewing things. This as well as an analytical mind lead to me interpreting a simple comment in 4 different ways. Perhaps I over think at times which can cause trouble. But in general I have a lot of appreciation and respect for people given the various factors that shape who they are. I won't complain about that!! I just need to be mindful that this is not the view that all (or many) take, even within the field of mental health. Of course, like any workplace there are many many many components beyond a basic set of practicing principles that have my wheels turning. My ultimate point is today I had another experience that further concreted the idea that I strongly prefer not to get hung up on diagnosing a client as mentally ill and focusing on how to "fix" their illness. I much prefer to look at the person as they are with all of the complexities that their systems bring. I wish to focus on improving health... maybe healing of sorts rather than "fixing the problem (person). So if my beliefs differ from the medical mental health system, I seem to be left with more to ponder. Do I take a stand and attempt to introduce coworker to this other way of thinking? Or do I find another avenue to work within a place that fits with my values of being "therapeutic". I mean, in the ideal situation, I could be flexible, work within a flexible system that allows various approaches to treatment whether it is individual or systemic. I wonder.