Angry

Just angry. I was kind of mad at myself before. I was mostly feeling bad. Guilty. Whatever. Sad. I felt terrible in a lot of ways. But I haven't been angry at him. I was angry at him before. For a long time. But when it came to the end I just took all the responsibility. Now. After the time has gone by, I am remembering what has pissed me off. And imagine, I am angry again. The good thing is that I am not full of rage. I am simply angry. Remembering. Maybe this time I won't forget. I am more than willing to take responsibility for my parts. I think that there is a possibility that I can not only forgive myself but forgive him too.

loneliest

So this is what it feels like to be alone. Or what I suppose loneliness is. Yuck.

Motivational Interviewing to Inspiration ey?

I was recently at a 2 day training for Motivational Interviewing. An activity was for us to pick people who inspire us and the reasons why. I have heard about this whole concept before.. but it sounded cheesy and I never actually took the time to think about it. I stared at the blank sheet and had no idea what to write. I had certain people coming to mind but it felt far too personal for a work thing. THEN I was surprised to find that I am totally one of those cliche people that is inspired by... the one and only 'mom'. Everyone but 2 in the course shared their inspirational person stories. It was an invigorating moment. Very emotional. I was too choked up to share mine. So it has been a couple of weeks but I have decided to really do some thinking about this. I journaled about it tonight... but will share the short/ less personal version here. And this is what I came up with. Inspirational People, to name a few MOM; To work hard, love relentlessly and to fight for those I care about DAD; To stand up for myself, dream big, to love interacting with people from all walks of life BRO; To not give a shit about what other people think of you SIS; To fight back even if it is obv I will lose the battle (stick up for self. And to be brave enough to be who you are, different GRAMMY G; To be content with life as it is CHELSEA F; That I am able to strive academically. And school will get me where I wanna go NATASHA; When it seems like the world is against me, I still have mom MITCH; To release creatively, is a beautiful thing CHELSEA L; To be who you are even when criticized by others, do what you love NICOLE C; To continually strive to being a better person. To offer others endless support and excitement for the day to day RICKII; Who is so strong and independent. Won't let others run over her. And to LAUGH DR. S.B.; Who is a professional female who is passionate about F. therapy and inspired my interest in the field THOSE I WORK WITH; Who face their lives as an adventure, full of wonder. Willingness to change DANIAL; -Importance of stability, true commitment to a partner, unlimited support and caring, was always trying to take care of me, looked out for me, always on my side even when I was wrong JEFF; -To fight a war alone with a stick being the only weapon offered. Even when met with continual agony, keeps fighting. Even when in continued pits of turmoil, has capacity to open his heat to love. So caring and passionate. True vulnerability= true beauty. To cause me to honestly critically reflect upon myself. And a whole lot more that I will not share on here :) Soo cheesy, but I so don't care. I am cheesy and totally sobbed for a long while when writing this list. I am so blessed to have crossed paths with these people and many more. You have been so instrumental in my life. xo ~J

Late-- but let's review the last year shall we?

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before? End a 11 year relationship Move to a town for work Trip to Cuba 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No resolutions, no problem! 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Don't remember.. aha no. 4. Did anyone close to you die? Not yet 5. What countries did you visit? Cuba! 6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013. More honesty 7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Mar 2014 Apr 2014- trip to Cuba 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Dunno 9. What was your biggest failure? Overanalysis 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no. 11. What was the best thing you bought? meh 12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My amazing friends who were so there, amazing and available for when I was heartbroken. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? No one got me to the point of feeling apalled. 14. Where did most of your money go? Paying back school debt 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Swimming at night. Floating and seeing the stars 16. What songs will always remind you of 2014? Nora's weirdo album 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? Surprisingly, happier b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. c) richer or poorer? Richer. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Enjoying the moment. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being stuck in my apartment 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Hopefully with fam in pei.. maybe a loved one? 21. Did you fall in love in 2014? :P 22. How many one-night stands? ZERO 23. What was your favourite TV program? Girls. SOA. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No hating 25.What was the best book you read? Bonaventure arrow 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? wierd norah j. 27. What did you want and get? independence 28. What did you want and not get? health, less stress 29. What was your favourite film of this year? i liked into the wild again 30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 28. Gals Rickii and Nicole took me out for a last min bday supper at Brewbakers 31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Some clarity of mind 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014? Random, changed throughout the year. Baggy, bus professional, fitted dresses. many many sundreses. 33. What kept you sane? Mom, friends 34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? none 35. What political issue stirred you the most? Addictions 36. Who did you miss? family, lovlie 37. Who was the best new person you met? I remet someone pretty cool. 38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011? The healthy choice is not typically the easy choice. 39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "You remind me of a girl that I once knew. You wouldn't believe all the shit, she put, me through" m-m-mad mad mad

Idiot Compassion

"We need to distinguish true compassion from “idiot compassion”. We sometimes over-react emotionally at the sight of suffering. We can be so distressed that we weep uncontrollably, faint or run away in horror. Our heart may be moved with pity but our emotions are so out-of-control that we can’t do anything to help! In other cases we might do something but because we lack right understanding of the problem or the person experiencing it, our “help” only makes the situation worse. These are examples of idiot compassion. True compassion balances loving-concern with clear wisdom. This wisdom enables us to stay calm and think clearly how best to help, without being carried away by our emotions." (Ven Sangye Khadro from The Four Immeasurables)

I wonder what research may be out there about idiot compassion... from a clinician standpoint.

Chiron Wounded Healer

"Long ago, in ancient greece, the great hero god Heracles was invited to the cave of the centaur Pholos. Chiron, a wise beneficent centaur and great master of healing, was also present. As a token of appreciation and hospitality, Heracles brought a flask of heady wine to the gathering. The rich fragrant liquid attracted other centaurs who, unaccustomed to wine, became drunk and then began to fight. In the ensuing melee Chiron was struck in the knee by an arrow shot by Heracles. Then Chiron instructed Heracles in the art of treating the wound. But because the arrow had been tipped with poison from the Hyrda-- a many-headed monster nearly impossible to slay-- the wound would never fully heal. Capable of healing others, the greatest of healers was unable to completely heal himself; and being immortal, Chiron lives forever with this wound as the archetypal wounded healer."

Significant Changes

Present, Presently There YOU are Here I am Calm but stress toward the end Well well well well well well well This year has been one of mighty changes. The last couple of years have been quite intense.. plugging away. I can very much recall feeling as I did in my last post.. school is done, now what? Although the stress of school was done, I had obtained permanent work, a whole new kind of stress emerged... temporarily raising children. I knew it was coming. Things have been on there way for quite some time. When finally issues for my brother came to the forefront and plans were made, it was almost a relief. Just to know the plan. My niece and nephew arrived at the end of November. And sure, it was an adjustment. But on top of that, my 2.5 hour round trip commute made time and energy nil. Got through until Christmas. Then there was a significant change. I don't totally know what it was but I became depressed. I began to withdraw and isolate. This is not entirely unusual as I have a number of times per year that this would occur. Don't think that it is seasonal, likely situational. It was a very difficult time. My bond with my niece and nephew really grew. At the end of March, they returned to PEI with their dad who is now living with our parents. I think with the accumulation of this as well as many other issues over the years,led to my husband and I separating. I must say, ending a marriage is something else. Not a first that I am easily navigating. Marriage caused our lives to become so intertwined Dividing the debt and assets is a complicated art. One that we are still working on. Then there are all of those other things. We are amicable at this point. I hope it stays this way. I hope to be friends with him but have concerns as to how fair and realistic that would be. Then there is so... sooo much more. Yikes. I am focusing on health. I have been doing quite well for the last month and a half. This week, not as great, but I plan to get back there. I am not living with a colleague in Woodstock. My rent is incredibly affordable. I do, however, feel a great pull toward finding my own place. I am just concerned with logistics including the extra cost. But privacy is important. The 'ex' and I had a trip south canceled which has left me with a travel credit to spend. I so happen to have about a week and a half off at Easter time. If I had the guts, I would go myself. I am not sure if I would like it on my own, but it would likely be very helpful for self care. And, well that is the crazy short version. That leaves out a great many significant details. But I hope summarizes enough so I can read this entry and remember the importance... the integral components, that caused me to feel as I do now .

27 and all grown up. Maybe

So I thought I would try a new layout and of course lost my fun artsy fartsy HTML stuff. Guess it was time for a change! Things that are of mild interest to me: I did the math. I spend minimum of 10 hours in my car to commute to work. Work. WORK. Yes, work. I have been 'awarded' a perm full time position. Woohoo. It is only 1 hour away from my lovely home. Home. HOME. Yes, I bought a house. I also bought some hockey gear. This week I have become a kijiji pro. Fun things about my job: I work with youth It's like I got my dream job It gives me the motivation to develop more of a therapeutic specialty It is PERMANENT. I get fun adult things like benefits. Things I wonder since I've finished school and gotten me and adult job... career even: Now what? Yeah. That's basically it. I have been so focused on school and job hunting that now the hunt is over. I am trying to make my new focus in life to be balance in health, education, spiritual etc etc. But that, as it turns out, is hard.

Perpetually discontent

This has been an awful week

For so many reasons.  Mainly because dad is in the hospital.  This is the first time and it has been awful.  He is doing well but not well enough to be discharged back home.  I have been totally scattered, trying to decide if I need to go to PEI.  There are just so many factors.  Stupid stuff of course.  Like; I have to work, there is no one to take care of the dog and cat... the dog and cat have a complicated pill regime, I don't want to go home, I'm exhausted.  Most of all, I'm sad.

It's quite fucking lonely here in NB by myself with just a dog and cat.  Sure, I have friends who would lend an ear, maybe even give me some company.  But no one that I feel comfortable enough with the just let it out.  It's causing me to wonder why I do not have overly close friends.  I have buds that I see once a week or every two weeks.  That is usually cool with me because life is so busy.  Then again, I am probably just cutting myself off from people that would be more than glad to be here for me.

Ultimately, I don't want to put on a face to entertain socially.  But feel free to drop by and just sit with me while I stare blankly.

Iy yih yih yih!!!!

WOW. JEESH. MAN. It seems like this final paper thing is taking forever!! I'm not sure if I am just a slow writer, possibly I am avoiding finishing this thing? Who knows. I just need to get it out of the way before May is done! I don't want it hanging over my head all summer.

Hey Girl...

Since I seem to be a researcher at heart (:P) my interest of the day was "Hey girl, Ryan Gosling". I've been seeing the images and wondering wtf? But they always made me giggle/smile in a public place at an awkward moment. So here is what I found. It was silliness created by a dude named Doug and all you have to do is google to find his website. Pretty swell.

Maybe that is what this blog will become. A place for me to share my random viral pop culture info.

Er... Um.. I thought that Spring was Supposed to be Longer?

Wow. The last two days have been gorgeous. Yesterday was up to 22 and today it just seems to be really nice out.

Oh my lovely blog. I have been having many 'firsts' in the dream department lately. In fact, I had a dream of the 'readers' of this blog. Although in real life I believe that this blog remains mostly hidden minus the random search words that would meet my blog content. Another "first" dream is one where my brother and I were in an airplane with intentions to go to Paris. I remember there was thunder and lightening during the flight but when we arrived in Paris it was beautiful. We explored the city a bit before I woke up. Never have I dreamed of being on a plane or going internationally. I also had a "first" dream where I was drunk. That was the strangest. I can remember the feeling so clearly of being way too intoxicated to function.

Dreams aside, today is a paper writing day. I hope that I can spit out the planned 5 pages in a new record of time. I am not sure if I have less or more pressure for my mini-thesis. We made a time-line that is more clearly developed... I now have until the end of May rather then the beginning... but I have a huge section due at the end of April.

....the question is... can I do school work in the apartment today? Or will I have to go to a cafe?

Spring is lovliness

I feel like Spring is actually arriving in Montreal. I may be able to start studying outside again :d School is almost DONE. Only like 6 weeks left! Then back to Oromocto to live at my 'real' home. Montreal has been an interesting time but I can't wait to live with my hubby and fur muffins!
Not to mention the whole never being a a full-time student again! Well minus my work-placement and one teeny tiny research paper BUT everything must be done by August 15th!

I found out this weekend that I have been accepted to complete the work placement in a hospital setting. Hopefully it may lead to career options. That will be the next obsession. Finding a decent job in the province of frozen finances for social services.

Ah. I am so excited! Which gives me extra energy and motivation to get 'er done ;)
<3

Well'P

Well'P/
Here I am. Back in Montreal. I went back to NB for a week and it was bliss! Soo much quality time with my hubby that it makes just that much harder to return to Montreal to do this school thing. Honestly, what ever will I have to talk about when I am no longer a student? Work? Family? Making a family? Time will tell I guess!

Ohhhh the Mini Thesis

!!
I am in my first week back to school and have began to start working on my mini-thesis research project thang. It is 50 pages so that it good and bad. I have not looked at the information in about 2 months so that makes it extremely difficult to remember what I was doing. Looks like I'm going to have to start over again by looking at all the journal articles and organizing them as I write them into tables. Not so much fun. I'm going to force myself to work on it 2 days a week for at least the first month and half of this term. Hopefully I will actually have some written with that plan!

On the health side- I returned to Montreal with an empty fridge and good intentions. I went grocery shopping and bought mostly produce. Made a yummy ginger beef/tofu stirfry which was nice. I need to make a whole wack of healthy stuff to freeze. That way when I am in peak stress zone I will not need to go to quick/easy/greasy. I just have no creativity in the cooking department... Hmm. What would be awesome, healthy and won't be tiresome after 2 meals?

I feel like this month and a half at the beginning of the term is the opportunity for me to get my act together. If I can just get stuff done now I will be much less stressed later... maybe? Probably not. Either way, I'm optimistic.

A heya holla

Leaving for Montreal on Monday. I had a fabulous break and didn't do a bit of school work. I thought I would start writing my research project but I definitely needed the break from school. I am pretty excited for the courses I'm taking this term but anxious about living away from Danial again. Maybe this time will be easier? I think I just need to keep busy enough.

We are trying to decide whether or not to take a route that leaves us living on NB for a number of years or another that would take us to Kingston ON for some years. I am pretty comfortable here but we need to look ahead for our careers etc. If we stay here we would love to buy a house.... but this duplex rent is a pretty sweet deal.

This week I had many meetings with potential internship places. I am no closer to knowing where I will be working this summer but hope to get some news next week! Ultimately it is a decision between an amazing placement in my ideal work setting or a less amazing placement with high potential for getting hired on there right away. Time will tell I guess.

One thing that my time in Montreal has caused is a new found appreciation for the amazing people in my life. I am so lucky to have such great friends and family!

Dear 2011

Another year is over so let's look at where 2011 has left me:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Moved to Montreal on my own
Attended grad school
Elections in school government


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did ok for fitness but I think I will make it a new goal. Better diet! More exercise!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Micheline and Leigh


4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Continued to explore Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011.
Keep the good friends closer. Not stress about people who are ridiculous.


7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Girly chats with ladies from McGill because we were all in the same boat :)
March 30th getting accepted to grad school
July 2011 Jillia got married!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Living by myself for the first time.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being on top of eating healthy!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Stress is an illness.. right?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Christian Cota boots!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Danial- for dealing with me when I was just a bundle of stress
All my friends who reached out to me since I moved away :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Having a hand put in my face was pretty appalling!

14. Where did most of your money go?
school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Leaving Montreal for the holidays. Time with my hubby.


16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?
LMAFO, Nicki Minaj, Arcade Fire

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder but later happier
b) thinner or fatter? Maybe a bit fatter?
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
focusing on school. Enjoying the moment.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Too much downloading!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it on PEI with my family

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
With my awesome buds!

22. How many one-night stands?
ZERO

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Gossip Girl, Dexter, True Blood.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No hating but definitely loss of respect for.

25.What was the best book you read?
Pretty Little Liars lol

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Arcade Fire, Sheepdogs

27. What did you want and get?
My own apartment.

28. What did you want and not get?
Perfect grades! Lame, yes.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Maybe Eclipse.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 25. Danial made me a wooden jewelery box. Went to the snooty fox with a bunch of buddies.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being less depressed in the fall.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Anything that does not cause dirty looks from the fashionistas of the streets in Montreal. But then there is my Snooky sequent hat.

33. What kept you sane?
DANIAL, mom, dad, Jillia, Micheline

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lindsay Lohan Weird ey?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Violence in relationships. Child protection.

36. Who did you miss?
Danial, good friends, the family, the furballs.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't have a best.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011?
Just because we had good times, doesn't mean we should have times in the present. Know when to realize who just isn't measuring up.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
'I like your beard' Ke$ha

This Time of Year

Oh December. I have been waiting for you the entity of November. Finally you are here but I am floating. Floating around my mind attempting to settle down to write ONE MORE PAPER! :) I have so many random thoughts that maybe if I write them down here I can get down to business.

So... I have decided to stay home to do work today with one all defining rule: NO TV. I really am tired of wasting $6.00 per latte at a cafe... tired of getting a sore bum from the uncomfortable library... not to mention getting the yucky germs from library go'ers. I also do not like literally racing to find a seat at the library. So.. I have given myself 2 hours to get my act together and write from home. If I can't do this I must force myself to go to the library... ick or a cafe.

I really struggled with moving to Montreal but finally am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I love that my program is geared toward therapy. Within one course in particular a lot of emphasis was placed on the necessity for therapists to seek their own therapy. So for my first time ever I went to counselling. I first went to one place and I found myself analyzing her skills: "OK she is trying to show me empathy. Okay she is re-phrasing what I'm saying to ensure she understands" ... So I went to a different therapist yesterday and was able to stop doing that. I am glad to feel how awkward clients feel going to therapy. That has given me even more empathy for people. Overall it felt good. I think it serves as a reminder for why I am going down this career path. I no longer feel like the hypocrite who advocates for therapeutic methods but has never utilized them.

I guess the other things on my mind include; getting a job after this degree, babies and continuing education. I am more worried about the last one. I thought that I would be finished with school after this degree but I'm now looking into becoming a registered marriage and family therapist. Not a title that is necessary to do therapy in Canada but I'm sure someday we will be moving toward that direction. There are very few programs in Canada for this certification.. so we are trying to look at some possibilities for when posting season happens again. Danial is also playing with the idea of becoming an officer which would likely mean min. 4 years in Kingston. So many things to consider....

But what I need to do is stop planning the future and focus on writing my paper. This paper is about the onset of domestic abuse after military members show signs of PTSD. Interesting topic. Yet, this paper could be worth 100% of my grade. Which means I should stop procrastinating.

C'est Montreal.. ?

So I have been here for a month and what do I have to show for myself? Does a McGill sweater count?

I've been really ambivalent about my entire Montreal experience to date. Some days I idealize it, others I despise it. Why must I be so love/hate?

Thursday night I went to a free outdoor concert only to find that it was Arcade Fire. For anyone who knows me, I am awful at linking songs to the artists. It was quite euphoric to put a face to the name and link the name to the songs that I love. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was sweating the shit out of my Giant Tiger rubber boots.

One thing about living here is that I am definitely second guessing my natural opting for scruffy, lame clothes. Dirty looks from people on the street seems like a legit motivator to put a bit more effort in my attire.

I love that everything is within two blocks that I would ever need. I have not been robbed yet... and honestly, I haven't gotten lost yet. I almost 'scratched' that statement last night because some gals from class and I decided to meet at a family-run Indian food joint in the middle of Montreal-nowhere. It was only a half an hour bus ride by myself but when I exited the bus to find myself on a deserted street, I kinda felt freaked. Of course, I made it there in one piece and the food was pretty delightful. Opted for the metro way back and then went for beers somewhere in the middle of where we all live. It turned out to be another hole-in-the-wall hub for activity. After becoming sufficiently buzzed I meandered back to my bachelorette pad with no troubles.