Pumpkin Scar

It has been almost a year. Since the last Thanksgiving that we shared. It has been almost a year of establishing myself. Standing on my own two feet. I look down at my thumb and see the pumpkin scar. It is pumpkin season now. And when I see a pumpkin my heart aches. Because of that thanksgiving when I baked a pumpkin pie from scratch, my grandmother's recipe. When slicing the pumpkins, the knife slipped and sliced open the knuckle on my thumb. The scar is significant. It is noticeable. Knarly to the eye. But I see it. I see pumpkins and My heart wells. I think of you. Thanksgiving. Fall. That was our time. Our most special memories were made. We spent 3 thanksgivings together. The last one, we weren't even a couple anymore but we were still completely in love. And went to your family event anyway. I no longer have hope about you and I. The pain has dulled but is most certainly still there. I have taken this year to recuperate. Allowing my heart to rebuild. I have moved on in many different ways. But was not able to pull off a serious relationship since you. I know someday this will change. You have since jumped head first into a new relationship. You're married now. Engaged in only 1-2 months. I remember in the spring when I found out I thought "The love of my life, my soul mate, is getting married to someone who is not me". We were apart 5 months by then. I think differently now. But that doesn't take away that I miss you. I miss that special beautiful love that we shared. How shocking, quick and beautiful our connection was. And I feel I have been looking too hard, for the next one. Or for something similar. But then I remembered. It just happens. I don't need to look. I hope that you continue to be happy. I am sure you have no clue how much I still think of you. How something so simple as a pumpkin will never be the same. That I look down at my pumpkin scar and think fondly of you and our times. Take care moon.

Vertigo

Vertigo

Bubble bathing

Bubble bathing while she's numb. Fragments of memories stored in her body. Fading in and out, certainly not a pleasure. Sometimes choking on her own breath. Feels like her throat is twisted full of copper death. But then eye lashes flutter, seemingly back to life. Fuzzy mind fades. But it still feels rough. Mind gone blank, yet again Stomach twisted, like your eyes around the highway bend. Anticipating a tightly woven curve. Body bracing for a swerve. Body suddenly frozen, ice crystals rushing. Radiating from chest outwards. But then the heat of the bath brings her in. In and out from comfortably numb.

Divorce

I heard about it. How two people who were so in love Best friends Striving toward a life together Joining families. Children. House. Grandchildren. And then things go south. Conflicts do not go away. They become larger. Apparently those conflicts seem like riddles that cannot be solved. Or in my case two lives started to diverge. It became clear that the paths were no longer headed in the same direction. OR at least one or both decided the problem could not be fixed. But I always found it heartbreaking. How a couple who had spent so much life together, could become so hateful and nasty toward one and other. How divorce can bring out the worst. I thought that it couldn't happen to us. But then it did. At least some twisted version of the cliche. I guess I get it. But not really. Not in my heart. I cannot understand how it can go from there to here. In general I do not feel hatred. But with recent experiences I feel hints of it. Or at least resentment. How could it suddenly be more about equity,dividing of debt than mutual respect for one and other? Despite the pain, I am motivated. I do not want to let this experience lead me to become bitter and divorced. I choose to look at it as hopefully a learning experience. Hopefully it will help me grow as a person. Perhaps I will not make the same mistakes again. Maybe I will do more to show appreciation and gratefulness. All that I know is that I will never divorce again. I will be blessed if I am ever so lucky to feel open enough to reconsider marriage. This caused me to realize just how much I have not only hurt him, but others from the past. In retrospect I was wondering through life somewhat carelessly. Not aware of how my actions and words would hurt those I care about the most. I can't fix my mistakes from before. I've tried to make amends with those that I was aware of that I hurt. But I am sure there are others I have crushed and didn't realize. I don't want to live life in this way. I want to show my loved ones how much I care. I want to fix it quickly when I make a mistake. But please no grudges. I hold none. I can't help if you hold one against me and have not brought it to my attention. Please know that if you did raise it to my awareness. That I have hurt you, you will receive the most sincere apology. I choose not to become bitter. I choose to take this opportunity to be grateful for the good things.

The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling

In recent years, recent months it appears to be tragedy after tragedy. Whether it be the forest fires out in Fort Mac. or the recent deaths at the club in Florida. The refugee camps, the poverty, the war. The immense human suffering is overwhelming at times. So much so that I prefer to just focus on my little bubble of life for now. I want to focus on what I am grateful for rather than the problems in the world. Today I am grateful that the two kitties sitting on the couch with me are not currently hissing and attacking one and other. I am grateful for a fantastic career where I am consistently challenged and inspired. I feel content with the direction my life has taken overall. I am proud of myself for trying new things even as simple as the paint n sips that are sooo common right now. I will continue to notice the little things. To embrace the beautiful weather today. To appreciate my loved ones, and the selfless acts of kindness of others. I am super excited for attachment trauma training this summer. I am looking forward to a bit of a vacation on PEI. I am terrified and excited to (hopefully) be taking over the house on my own September 1. I am relieved and content with my choice to continue to be independent, and take my time. To acknowledge that the factors in my life do not need to be cookie cutter. I am happy to be divorced and soon have my finances totally separated from my ex-husband. I am ecstatic to get to spend time with my niece and nephews. I am soo grateful I will have a safe home for them to stay any time they like and/or need. I am so happy and grateful to get my family doctor back. To have a medical professional who is so fantastic to work with, who actively listens to my concerns. If there is one thing to be said about my last few years is that they have been filled with heart break. That kind of stuff that all of the songs sing about. I never fully understood it until these last two years. Finally guys, I get it! haha.

Living life with small doses of reflections

It is really the strangest thing to go back to my posts from like 2004/2006. So unusual. I noticed that I was quite anxious and even paranoid of strangers, in particular men. I saw how reckless and silly I was. I am still silly though! heh. I saw how lost I was. Stressed? It is fascinating how quickly it went from that to sort of getting my life together. I think things really started to change when I started to work at the bank. As of last weekend, I have moved back to nb. For a THIRD TIME! Life certainly is strange. I feel much more content these days. So at peace that I don't even feel like typing :P I have resolved issues such as the recurring dreams about that "friend" I briefly mentioned like 8 years ago. Still trying to work through the last tiny bits. But I am confident it will happen. I sometimes idealize others. I certainly have issues letting go. And forgiving myself for my mistakes.

Today Today I can tell that it was real The way we used to look at one and other The way you'd make me feel Despite each day changing As the seasons in a year I'm confident that what we had Was a true memory safe to bring With me year after year In fact today I am so sure That our connection that was so sweet Continues to exist Despite our attempts to Cause it defeat I'm quite sure you continue to feel it Though it may hibernate and spring to life As a tree which brings with it, a renewed life Today I have this sense of knowing No longer causing self sorrow With queries of Fiction or fact And have come to the realization Though the world is ever changing Feelings change from day to day There is absolutely no chance of changing What was left with us from that day Take care dear friend I am tuly sorry for the pain I hope your life is blissful And passions continue to ignite your flame Xo jemm

Among other things

Well the thoughts come less often now* But still almost each day* I wonder when you'll change your mind* Look at things another way* For some reason I have confidence* When on this topic I should have none* That you will come around from change of heart* And we will see what can be undone* ********************************************************************************************************* Much time has passed since then* But the impact remains great* And for some reason I really believe* That you'll contact me and say* That although this time has passed away* You miss me as I've missed you* You want to try to reconnect* And see what we might do* ********************************************************************************************************* But then some doubt begins to creep* Back into my heart* That though my feelings are genuine* You wish our lives to remain apart* That this will never change* You're pleased with where things are now* And even if there was a chance* You'll remain decided, as if a vow*

Oh my god. I miss you.

Closure

Thank you. I finally have closure over something that is over a decade old.

Dream

In nb was finishing up with client work. Once that was finished, I had to scramble to the place that belonged to J and I. My parents had arrived and I had to finish packing. I was dividing items but continued to lack progress. As I separated items ,they would find their way back together again. Everything was a disorganized mess. N was there. She was very emotional to say goodbye. As she hugged me I could feel her large tears falling into my lap. It was difficult to see her in so much pain. J was at work while I attempted to pack up my last car load of things. M was apparently moving in. At one point he walked in and I was naked. I jogged and skipped across the hall to find something to wear. I was somewhat self conscious that he had just seen me naked for the first time. J would never smoke indoors at the last place. But as I ran through I noticed that M had been doing so. He was smoking at the porch. When he saw me at first, he gave me that awkward, mixed emotion smile. No embrace. As I jogged through the place nude, I saw spirals of smoke from the rooms that M must have been in. I was surprised that he was in a room that had most of my stuff. I then noticed that his stuff was also tangled in the mess. My parents returned. Dad had to be back to the island for work and was pressuring me to hurry up. I could see by looking at them how unconditionally they loved me. My mom's eyes full of love, she hugged me and began to tear up. She said that she hopes that they (mom and dad) were enough. I told her that I am of them. Of course they are enough. She said that she used to see herself and dad in me when I was young. But she didn't see it now. I told her that it is mostly all I can see when I look at myself. Got in dad's truck. If was full of random crap from my place. He made a little complaint about it. I had felt so rushed that I forgot many items and would have to return to the house again. Emotions; confusion, love, gratitude, pain, heartbreak, fear, sadness

Heat

I just reread that post about P.E.I. that I wrote. Since then I have accepted a full time position there. Looks like my feeling was correct. I start in June. It is quite quite quite bittersweet. This is my last week at work. I am saying goodbye to so many people. Places. Routines. Such a time of change. I am quite emotional about it. Crying over random thoughts throughout the day. This is the first time that I feel like I am totally doing it on my own. Which is great on the independence side of things. But I am sad. I have a lot of work to get through this week. It is overwhelming. But I know that once it is complete I will be excited. I have 2 weeks off between jobs. A defry vacation. I am sure I will be excited when I get through this week. But I will also be sad. It is the end of a major part of my life... in so many way. I still know that I am doing the right thing though. i am blessed in many ways. But I am also bitter about the other things.

More misadventures

Wow. It really is amazing how differently life turns out than expected. I am now 29. Separated from a long term marriage. Then had my second serious relationship and am single again. I remember thinking of my life in my 20's. I didn't have very fancy dreams. Something like: Married Living on PEI with children But lets look before my 20's. When I was high school I didn't think that I would even be married by now. Kind of interesting. Here is my reality: Separated/single No children Living off island. Say what? haha. Oh well. I have been doing a lot a lot a lot of reflection and focusing myself on what goals are important to me. I have decided that long term, living on PEI is a must. Thus, I have finally started the process of seeking employment on the island. I want to be a mom. Perhaps I will be one of those trendy and modern single adoptive parents? As for a romantic relationship. It doesn't really matter to me. I haven't had much life lived as a single adult so I am going to start there. I have no interests in a long term relationship. I have never felt this way before. Interesting new development. I know better than to say "never". But I really just wanna live my life for me for a while and take care of myself. When I reread this paragraph it does sounds as if I have given up. I know that living on PEI will happen. I can feel it. I also know that I will go on an adventure somewhere for like a year or something. Which order or when, I am unsure. I am moving my furniture to PEI this weekend and going to live out of a suitcase for a while. Wild. I am hurting someone very much by doing this. It is extremely painful but I have to follow my intuition. I am sorry. Very sincerely sorry. I feel terrified in some ways but it is like I am finally putting steps in place to meet my dreams/ next goals. I am so blessed with having loved ones, family and friends who are there for me. TRULY there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. xo

And here are some mumblings about my personal life

I just did something that no 28 year old woman should do. Haha just kidding. But I am still cringing. I so happen to have kept this blog since about 2004 or 2005. Kinda cool, right? I get to keep track of my development, basically for my 20's. I just re-read the posts from the year I noticed I had the most entries. aaaaaaaaggggllllll Each and every entry seems to focus on the following themes in order of most commonly discussed: Danial, school, health. I mean the posts about Danial... like every single time. It just makes me feel gross. So much of my life seemed to be focused on my relationship. I seemed to be desperately trying to make it work. I almost ask myself, did I have nothing else to focus my attention on? I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking (obsessing?) about that relationship. But let's put this into context, shall we? It was 2009. When dude joined the military that I tried to force myself to be okay with. That doesn't excuse all of the posts before. Not to mention the WRITTEN JOURNAL entries that I have. I stopped looking at them and writing at one point because it was so focused on being upset with that man. It's quite sad. How long it took me to finally come to the decision based on how long it was clear that our lives were going in apposing directions. In some ways I find myself focusing/analyzing my current relationship too much. I am actually catching myself at times. I mean it makes sense that some thinking patterns would creep up from the end of a 11 year relationship. It's just exhausting. And I have other things going for me. My relationship is definitely my top priority but so is my work, personal goals and family. I wish that my brain;s "default" mode wasn't "over-analyze the shit outa A B or C". In fact, in my "new life" I have just recently found that I have energy to BOTH read to further educate myself for work AND pleasure read. Like, how come this blog didn't talk about the fact that last weekend Jeff and I made a day trip to go to my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday? I go to see my adorable niece and nephews. My boyfriend was welcomed into both sides of the family since December. That's pretty cool! I miss girl time with my mom and sister. I wanna be more involved with my family. I am going to do another 5K race. Sebastian tried to jump on top of the fridge tonight and slid down and plopped on her but on the fridge which caused me burst into laughter for 10 minutes. Good stuff if you ask me! hahaha. I went to French class tonight and was the only student that showed up. I got some rad one on one teaching that I think actually motivated me a bit more for French.

Mumblings about work

Work: I rarely discuss anything about my work on here although it is what I spend to majority of my time on. My brain is currently swimming with various levels as associated with mental health. The personal, political, professional and many other layers. I have been working in my role for just over a year. I am learning the extremely differing education which leads to a completely different view of the same work. It's interesting because the professionals from differing disciplines are essentially completing the same role. Yet our training takes such different angles. Predominately, I find my workplace focuses on the mental health of the individual. If you are reading this and are not in the field of mental health, you are likely thinking, so what? Well, I definitely focus on the individual but I cannot view the person without the systems that they are living within. When I see a person, I do not just see the "mental health symptoms". I see the various systems that are at play which is hugely because of my education (and personality) focus on the System's Theory. I have never met a person who does not work within differing systems. Myself for example: I am an educated female from a particular graduating class. I am a daughter, aunt, sister, girlfriend, ex-wife, worker in the social sciences, part of an interdisciplinary team, French student, hockey player, etc, etc. Each of these roles connects me to a system. The interactions I have and receive from each system cause a chain reaction and have an impact on my behavior in other aspects of my life. In simple terms; CONTEXT. My context along with my genetics, personality and learned values all have an impact on who I am. This is so driven by the other people and organizations that I am associated with. So in my day to day personal life, and work life, I find it impossible to look at a "man as an island". My brain almost automatically registers the impact of the various systems that a person lives within. I realize that this is not the typical way of viewing things. This as well as an analytical mind lead to me interpreting a simple comment in 4 different ways. Perhaps I over think at times which can cause trouble. But in general I have a lot of appreciation and respect for people given the various factors that shape who they are. I won't complain about that!! I just need to be mindful that this is not the view that all (or many) take, even within the field of mental health. Of course, like any workplace there are many many many components beyond a basic set of practicing principles that have my wheels turning. My ultimate point is today I had another experience that further concreted the idea that I strongly prefer not to get hung up on diagnosing a client as mentally ill and focusing on how to "fix" their illness. I much prefer to look at the person as they are with all of the complexities that their systems bring. I wish to focus on improving health... maybe healing of sorts rather than "fixing the problem (person). So if my beliefs differ from the medical mental health system, I seem to be left with more to ponder. Do I take a stand and attempt to introduce coworker to this other way of thinking? Or do I find another avenue to work within a place that fits with my values of being "therapeutic". I mean, in the ideal situation, I could be flexible, work within a flexible system that allows various approaches to treatment whether it is individual or systemic. I wonder.

hey, dude.. if you wanna be single we'll need a complete list of financial debts and assets

I wonder.. If in our society; after marriage if the male also typically changed his name, if we would see the invasion of privacy and, I'll just say it,oppression, that a woman will endure to return to her maiden name? I really have not personally experienced a true sense of violation from society until I became legally separated and pursued returning to my maiden name. Have you gotten married and changed your name to your partner's? It is relatively easy. Our system and society encourages it. In fact, it feels quite nice to see the smiles of the government workers as they pleasantly change your identification. But now; each time i change my name, i get the congratulations from an assumption that ive recently been happily wed. And I do find it painful and each time is like an unintentional stab of pain. Then to top it off?, most places require me to pay large chunks of money to return to my maiden name. Jeeze when i changed my name at University the first time to the Married name there was no fee,no penalty. This time, yes I required a replacement degree and 120 dollars. But that is almost understandable. . However many places ask for "proof"that the relationship dissolved. What is proof you ask? Well 2 pieces of identification with your "New" name, a divorce certificate or the divorce or separation agreement, accompanied of course by a nominal fee. Each and every time that i am required to submit my legal separation papers, i cringe. Not only does it feel painful to be changing my name in the first place, but here are some more hoops to jump through. .. and Just to make the experience all that more painful, these organizations want to see the dirty details of the end of the marriage. "How much did she take him for? " None. Equal divide. "Who gets the house? " "how much debt did they rack up over the years? " "has she gone for his pension? " No. "Now, why exactitude Exactly are they stating as their reason to do something as terrible as end a marriage? " I don't usually go off on rants such as these but man. It's like I'm being raped of my freedom to have a personal life with confidential details. And it just keeps going. More congratulations from the person attempting to come from a place of kindness. But then recongratulating me when i correct them? Now in that situation, I'm sure that she had no clue what else to say. But offensive, yes. Or the coworker that offers their seemingly kind ears. Once they hear that the marriage ending is painful, making a comment such as "yep. See. That's why it's probably better just to stick with it because the grass isn't really greener " Yes everyone. That is your opinion. But sharing it with me in this way is truly inconsiderate. The funny part, I'm actually at a much better place with the name change thing and could never appropriately write about it while i was experiencing the true depth of the pain. But, I was just aggressively woken up by the courier man attacking my door with his fists, delivering my degree with the "corrected"name and thought id share :)

Rainbows, Pancakes, Apple Blossoms and Sebastian's Handshakes

I am still in awe with how much has happened over the last 2 years. I am in a very good place in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been. More sure of my choices than I knew possible. Since June I obtained a sense of closure from the end of the marriage. I was also able to fully open my heart to my lovey Jeff. He has moved in with me. I am reaallllyyy learning a lot about myself. Feel bad that Jeff gets to be part of that roller coaster... but I am still just so happy. I feel so blessed.

Anger subsided

Well the anger has greatly reduced. I have been all over the place emotionally over the last couple of months. I am definitely noticing a difference. I am feeling better. So strange to say that. I am focused again. And I haven't been able to say this since finishing my masters degree, but I am able to delightfully daydream about my future. All wonderful things that I greatly appreciate. I feel good. I feel independent. I could almost say, I am happy :)

Angry

Just angry. I was kind of mad at myself before. I was mostly feeling bad. Guilty. Whatever. Sad. I felt terrible in a lot of ways. But I haven't been angry at him. I was angry at him before. For a long time. But when it came to the end I just took all the responsibility. Now. After the time has gone by, I am remembering what has pissed me off. And imagine, I am angry again. The good thing is that I am not full of rage. I am simply angry. Remembering. Maybe this time I won't forget. I am more than willing to take responsibility for my parts. I think that there is a possibility that I can not only forgive myself but forgive him too.