Idiot Compassion

"We need to distinguish true compassion from “idiot compassion”. We sometimes over-react emotionally at the sight of suffering. We can be so distressed that we weep uncontrollably, faint or run away in horror. Our heart may be moved with pity but our emotions are so out-of-control that we can’t do anything to help! In other cases we might do something but because we lack right understanding of the problem or the person experiencing it, our “help” only makes the situation worse. These are examples of idiot compassion. True compassion balances loving-concern with clear wisdom. This wisdom enables us to stay calm and think clearly how best to help, without being carried away by our emotions." (Ven Sangye Khadro from The Four Immeasurables)

I wonder what research may be out there about idiot compassion... from a clinician standpoint.

Chiron Wounded Healer

"Long ago, in ancient greece, the great hero god Heracles was invited to the cave of the centaur Pholos. Chiron, a wise beneficent centaur and great master of healing, was also present. As a token of appreciation and hospitality, Heracles brought a flask of heady wine to the gathering. The rich fragrant liquid attracted other centaurs who, unaccustomed to wine, became drunk and then began to fight. In the ensuing melee Chiron was struck in the knee by an arrow shot by Heracles. Then Chiron instructed Heracles in the art of treating the wound. But because the arrow had been tipped with poison from the Hyrda-- a many-headed monster nearly impossible to slay-- the wound would never fully heal. Capable of healing others, the greatest of healers was unable to completely heal himself; and being immortal, Chiron lives forever with this wound as the archetypal wounded healer."

Significant Changes

Present, Presently There YOU are Here I am Calm but stress toward the end Well well well well well well well This year has been one of mighty changes. The last couple of years have been quite intense.. plugging away. I can very much recall feeling as I did in my last post.. school is done, now what? Although the stress of school was done, I had obtained permanent work, a whole new kind of stress emerged... temporarily raising children. I knew it was coming. Things have been on there way for quite some time. When finally issues for my brother came to the forefront and plans were made, it was almost a relief. Just to know the plan. My niece and nephew arrived at the end of November. And sure, it was an adjustment. But on top of that, my 2.5 hour round trip commute made time and energy nil. Got through until Christmas. Then there was a significant change. I don't totally know what it was but I became depressed. I began to withdraw and isolate. This is not entirely unusual as I have a number of times per year that this would occur. Don't think that it is seasonal, likely situational. It was a very difficult time. My bond with my niece and nephew really grew. At the end of March, they returned to PEI with their dad who is now living with our parents. I think with the accumulation of this as well as many other issues over the years,led to my husband and I separating. I must say, ending a marriage is something else. Not a first that I am easily navigating. Marriage caused our lives to become so intertwined Dividing the debt and assets is a complicated art. One that we are still working on. Then there are all of those other things. We are amicable at this point. I hope it stays this way. I hope to be friends with him but have concerns as to how fair and realistic that would be. Then there is so... sooo much more. Yikes. I am focusing on health. I have been doing quite well for the last month and a half. This week, not as great, but I plan to get back there. I am not living with a colleague in Woodstock. My rent is incredibly affordable. I do, however, feel a great pull toward finding my own place. I am just concerned with logistics including the extra cost. But privacy is important. The 'ex' and I had a trip south canceled which has left me with a travel credit to spend. I so happen to have about a week and a half off at Easter time. If I had the guts, I would go myself. I am not sure if I would like it on my own, but it would likely be very helpful for self care. And, well that is the crazy short version. That leaves out a great many significant details. But I hope summarizes enough so I can read this entry and remember the importance... the integral components, that caused me to feel as I do now .

27 and all grown up. Maybe

So I thought I would try a new layout and of course lost my fun artsy fartsy HTML stuff. Guess it was time for a change! Things that are of mild interest to me: I did the math. I spend minimum of 10 hours in my car to commute to work. Work. WORK. Yes, work. I have been 'awarded' a perm full time position. Woohoo. It is only 1 hour away from my lovely home. Home. HOME. Yes, I bought a house. I also bought some hockey gear. This week I have become a kijiji pro. Fun things about my job: I work with youth It's like I got my dream job It gives me the motivation to develop more of a therapeutic specialty It is PERMANENT. I get fun adult things like benefits. Things I wonder since I've finished school and gotten me and adult job... career even: Now what? Yeah. That's basically it. I have been so focused on school and job hunting that now the hunt is over. I am trying to make my new focus in life to be balance in health, education, spiritual etc etc. But that, as it turns out, is hard.

Perpetually discontent

This has been an awful week

For so many reasons.  Mainly because dad is in the hospital.  This is the first time and it has been awful.  He is doing well but not well enough to be discharged back home.  I have been totally scattered, trying to decide if I need to go to PEI.  There are just so many factors.  Stupid stuff of course.  Like; I have to work, there is no one to take care of the dog and cat... the dog and cat have a complicated pill regime, I don't want to go home, I'm exhausted.  Most of all, I'm sad.

It's quite fucking lonely here in NB by myself with just a dog and cat.  Sure, I have friends who would lend an ear, maybe even give me some company.  But no one that I feel comfortable enough with the just let it out.  It's causing me to wonder why I do not have overly close friends.  I have buds that I see once a week or every two weeks.  That is usually cool with me because life is so busy.  Then again, I am probably just cutting myself off from people that would be more than glad to be here for me.

Ultimately, I don't want to put on a face to entertain socially.  But feel free to drop by and just sit with me while I stare blankly.

Iy yih yih yih!!!!

WOW. JEESH. MAN. It seems like this final paper thing is taking forever!! I'm not sure if I am just a slow writer, possibly I am avoiding finishing this thing? Who knows. I just need to get it out of the way before May is done! I don't want it hanging over my head all summer.

Hey Girl...

Since I seem to be a researcher at heart (:P) my interest of the day was "Hey girl, Ryan Gosling". I've been seeing the images and wondering wtf? But they always made me giggle/smile in a public place at an awkward moment. So here is what I found. It was silliness created by a dude named Doug and all you have to do is google to find his website. Pretty swell.

Maybe that is what this blog will become. A place for me to share my random viral pop culture info.

Er... Um.. I thought that Spring was Supposed to be Longer?

Wow. The last two days have been gorgeous. Yesterday was up to 22 and today it just seems to be really nice out.

Oh my lovely blog. I have been having many 'firsts' in the dream department lately. In fact, I had a dream of the 'readers' of this blog. Although in real life I believe that this blog remains mostly hidden minus the random search words that would meet my blog content. Another "first" dream is one where my brother and I were in an airplane with intentions to go to Paris. I remember there was thunder and lightening during the flight but when we arrived in Paris it was beautiful. We explored the city a bit before I woke up. Never have I dreamed of being on a plane or going internationally. I also had a "first" dream where I was drunk. That was the strangest. I can remember the feeling so clearly of being way too intoxicated to function.

Dreams aside, today is a paper writing day. I hope that I can spit out the planned 5 pages in a new record of time. I am not sure if I have less or more pressure for my mini-thesis. We made a time-line that is more clearly developed... I now have until the end of May rather then the beginning... but I have a huge section due at the end of April.

....the question is... can I do school work in the apartment today? Or will I have to go to a cafe?

Spring is lovliness

I feel like Spring is actually arriving in Montreal. I may be able to start studying outside again :d School is almost DONE. Only like 6 weeks left! Then back to Oromocto to live at my 'real' home. Montreal has been an interesting time but I can't wait to live with my hubby and fur muffins!
Not to mention the whole never being a a full-time student again! Well minus my work-placement and one teeny tiny research paper BUT everything must be done by August 15th!

I found out this weekend that I have been accepted to complete the work placement in a hospital setting. Hopefully it may lead to career options. That will be the next obsession. Finding a decent job in the province of frozen finances for social services.

Ah. I am so excited! Which gives me extra energy and motivation to get 'er done ;)
<3

Well'P

Well'P/
Here I am. Back in Montreal. I went back to NB for a week and it was bliss! Soo much quality time with my hubby that it makes just that much harder to return to Montreal to do this school thing. Honestly, what ever will I have to talk about when I am no longer a student? Work? Family? Making a family? Time will tell I guess!

Ohhhh the Mini Thesis

!!
I am in my first week back to school and have began to start working on my mini-thesis research project thang. It is 50 pages so that it good and bad. I have not looked at the information in about 2 months so that makes it extremely difficult to remember what I was doing. Looks like I'm going to have to start over again by looking at all the journal articles and organizing them as I write them into tables. Not so much fun. I'm going to force myself to work on it 2 days a week for at least the first month and half of this term. Hopefully I will actually have some written with that plan!

On the health side- I returned to Montreal with an empty fridge and good intentions. I went grocery shopping and bought mostly produce. Made a yummy ginger beef/tofu stirfry which was nice. I need to make a whole wack of healthy stuff to freeze. That way when I am in peak stress zone I will not need to go to quick/easy/greasy. I just have no creativity in the cooking department... Hmm. What would be awesome, healthy and won't be tiresome after 2 meals?

I feel like this month and a half at the beginning of the term is the opportunity for me to get my act together. If I can just get stuff done now I will be much less stressed later... maybe? Probably not. Either way, I'm optimistic.

A heya holla

Leaving for Montreal on Monday. I had a fabulous break and didn't do a bit of school work. I thought I would start writing my research project but I definitely needed the break from school. I am pretty excited for the courses I'm taking this term but anxious about living away from Danial again. Maybe this time will be easier? I think I just need to keep busy enough.

We are trying to decide whether or not to take a route that leaves us living on NB for a number of years or another that would take us to Kingston ON for some years. I am pretty comfortable here but we need to look ahead for our careers etc. If we stay here we would love to buy a house.... but this duplex rent is a pretty sweet deal.

This week I had many meetings with potential internship places. I am no closer to knowing where I will be working this summer but hope to get some news next week! Ultimately it is a decision between an amazing placement in my ideal work setting or a less amazing placement with high potential for getting hired on there right away. Time will tell I guess.

One thing that my time in Montreal has caused is a new found appreciation for the amazing people in my life. I am so lucky to have such great friends and family!

Dear 2011

Another year is over so let's look at where 2011 has left me:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Moved to Montreal on my own
Attended grad school
Elections in school government


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did ok for fitness but I think I will make it a new goal. Better diet! More exercise!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Micheline and Leigh


4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Continued to explore Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011.
Keep the good friends closer. Not stress about people who are ridiculous.


7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Girly chats with ladies from McGill because we were all in the same boat :)
March 30th getting accepted to grad school
July 2011 Jillia got married!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Living by myself for the first time.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being on top of eating healthy!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Stress is an illness.. right?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Christian Cota boots!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Danial- for dealing with me when I was just a bundle of stress
All my friends who reached out to me since I moved away :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Having a hand put in my face was pretty appalling!

14. Where did most of your money go?
school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Leaving Montreal for the holidays. Time with my hubby.


16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?
LMAFO, Nicki Minaj, Arcade Fire

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder but later happier
b) thinner or fatter? Maybe a bit fatter?
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
focusing on school. Enjoying the moment.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Too much downloading!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it on PEI with my family

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
With my awesome buds!

22. How many one-night stands?
ZERO

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Gossip Girl, Dexter, True Blood.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No hating but definitely loss of respect for.

25.What was the best book you read?
Pretty Little Liars lol

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Arcade Fire, Sheepdogs

27. What did you want and get?
My own apartment.

28. What did you want and not get?
Perfect grades! Lame, yes.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Maybe Eclipse.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 25. Danial made me a wooden jewelery box. Went to the snooty fox with a bunch of buddies.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being less depressed in the fall.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Anything that does not cause dirty looks from the fashionistas of the streets in Montreal. But then there is my Snooky sequent hat.

33. What kept you sane?
DANIAL, mom, dad, Jillia, Micheline

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lindsay Lohan Weird ey?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Violence in relationships. Child protection.

36. Who did you miss?
Danial, good friends, the family, the furballs.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't have a best.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011?
Just because we had good times, doesn't mean we should have times in the present. Know when to realize who just isn't measuring up.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
'I like your beard' Ke$ha

This Time of Year

Oh December. I have been waiting for you the entity of November. Finally you are here but I am floating. Floating around my mind attempting to settle down to write ONE MORE PAPER! :) I have so many random thoughts that maybe if I write them down here I can get down to business.

So... I have decided to stay home to do work today with one all defining rule: NO TV. I really am tired of wasting $6.00 per latte at a cafe... tired of getting a sore bum from the uncomfortable library... not to mention getting the yucky germs from library go'ers. I also do not like literally racing to find a seat at the library. So.. I have given myself 2 hours to get my act together and write from home. If I can't do this I must force myself to go to the library... ick or a cafe.

I really struggled with moving to Montreal but finally am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I love that my program is geared toward therapy. Within one course in particular a lot of emphasis was placed on the necessity for therapists to seek their own therapy. So for my first time ever I went to counselling. I first went to one place and I found myself analyzing her skills: "OK she is trying to show me empathy. Okay she is re-phrasing what I'm saying to ensure she understands" ... So I went to a different therapist yesterday and was able to stop doing that. I am glad to feel how awkward clients feel going to therapy. That has given me even more empathy for people. Overall it felt good. I think it serves as a reminder for why I am going down this career path. I no longer feel like the hypocrite who advocates for therapeutic methods but has never utilized them.

I guess the other things on my mind include; getting a job after this degree, babies and continuing education. I am more worried about the last one. I thought that I would be finished with school after this degree but I'm now looking into becoming a registered marriage and family therapist. Not a title that is necessary to do therapy in Canada but I'm sure someday we will be moving toward that direction. There are very few programs in Canada for this certification.. so we are trying to look at some possibilities for when posting season happens again. Danial is also playing with the idea of becoming an officer which would likely mean min. 4 years in Kingston. So many things to consider....

But what I need to do is stop planning the future and focus on writing my paper. This paper is about the onset of domestic abuse after military members show signs of PTSD. Interesting topic. Yet, this paper could be worth 100% of my grade. Which means I should stop procrastinating.

C'est Montreal.. ?

So I have been here for a month and what do I have to show for myself? Does a McGill sweater count?

I've been really ambivalent about my entire Montreal experience to date. Some days I idealize it, others I despise it. Why must I be so love/hate?

Thursday night I went to a free outdoor concert only to find that it was Arcade Fire. For anyone who knows me, I am awful at linking songs to the artists. It was quite euphoric to put a face to the name and link the name to the songs that I love. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was sweating the shit out of my Giant Tiger rubber boots.

One thing about living here is that I am definitely second guessing my natural opting for scruffy, lame clothes. Dirty looks from people on the street seems like a legit motivator to put a bit more effort in my attire.

I love that everything is within two blocks that I would ever need. I have not been robbed yet... and honestly, I haven't gotten lost yet. I almost 'scratched' that statement last night because some gals from class and I decided to meet at a family-run Indian food joint in the middle of Montreal-nowhere. It was only a half an hour bus ride by myself but when I exited the bus to find myself on a deserted street, I kinda felt freaked. Of course, I made it there in one piece and the food was pretty delightful. Opted for the metro way back and then went for beers somewhere in the middle of where we all live. It turned out to be another hole-in-the-wall hub for activity. After becoming sufficiently buzzed I meandered back to my bachelorette pad with no troubles.

MARCH 30th WAS EXCITING

Hey!
So I checked my email to find a message from an admission officer at McGill that says that I've been ACCEPTED!

EEK Montreal in SEPTEMBER. I can't believe that I've been accepted to my number one choice on my first try. It doesn't feel real.

:) <3

It's been a while

So here we are in 2011 and I haven't been updating this thing. I am really only posting because I am frustrated with work and want to rant!
I have been there for about 5 months. It is a stressful job where I am on call 24/7. this makes it really difficult for me to have a life and be balanced as a person etc. If my bosses treat me well I do not complain... Lately I have been getting nasty attitude vibes from them which I find reeealllly frustrating. I have also been getting actual attitude from one in particular. I'm not someone who easily lets snarky comments roll off my back. I get that she has a really stressful job and is just trying to get through the day but I still cannot accept that as a good reason to be given attitude. They always tell me how beneficial I am for their agency but the attitude just somehow takes away from those warm fuzzies. They may be my token into my first official social work job but I am getting so fed up with the BS.

On another note... LOL I always seem to bitch and then talk about something more positive.

I have decided that 6 months of living in a place without stuff on the wall is too much. So we bought paint and decided to stick around this duplex for a while. I started the job last night and am already beginning to feel better.

Oromocto is getting more and more comfortable which is a good sign.

I am still hoping to get accepted to a grad school but do not know how likely it is. I was not accepted to Laurier because the accepted applicants have between 4-25 years of work experience. I have three more schools to hear from and then will at least know what I'm doing in September. One thing that I know for sure is I will not be working somewhere that supervisors and bosses dump their stressy shit vibes on their employees while the nature of the job itself is STRESS and CRISIS. Ah crap. There I go again with the negativity.

And Here Comes a New Year Yo

It's funny... I will randomly take a moment from my day-to-day scurrying and realize "hey it's summer" or "hey... it's autumn" or my most recent "...really, winter already?" This week is the first that I really as if I am a non-student. Usually by this time I would be checking out my new books, making sure that I am in the courses I want to be and making ridiculous schedules. Now I am randomly working (loads of holiday cancellations due to weather and family related situations) and hanging out. It is pretty impressive that this week I have had the opportunity to clean AND go to the gym!

I am looking forward to the new year but have a gut feeling that it is going to be pretty hectic. I have no idea why.

1 degree down and 1 to go..

So at approximately 7:30PM tonight I competed 3 of 3 final assignments for my university degree. I then celebrated by renting a movie with my spouse and drinking 1/2 pint of vodka. We went to bed by 10:30PM.. I remained awake with a buzz of excitement.

You'd think that after such a hectic week... hectic 4 years, that I would be deeply asleep in bed with my hubby by 12:30AM.

Nope! I crawled out of bed to begin planning/writing my personal statement for more graduate schools!

Hmm.. If I were to psychoanalyze myself, I may begin to think I have an obsession with keeping busy!

Whatevs! I had a weight lifted off of my chest that has been sitting there for four years without me being aware of it. I'll take that!

Get a Hobby?

Lately I have been... bored. Bored with school. Bored with exercise. Bored with socializing. Bored with work. Just all around bored.
I realized that my typical interests don't catch my attention much anymore. I used to enjoy attempt at making my own clothes, painting, movies and random outdoor adventures. Now it all seems uninteresting.

I wonder if my boredom is really a sign that I need to 'check in' on my perspective. Some people just seem so happy and content with their lives. I should try just being happy with what I have. I always say that I want to enjoy the present moment more... I am just not sure if I know how when I am so preoccupied with planning the future.

Honestly, I have been pretty stressed since September. The combination of a hectic school schedule and loads of hours at work has been rough. I keep telling my self "just one more month!".

Friday I had a little release from the load on my shoulders because I passed in an assignment worth 50% of my grade. Yep. 50% I do not have floating around my mind anymore.

I am really looking forward to having a little break from school. The month between terms is never really enough. I have not had a term off since summer 2008, so c'mon December! Imagine! 8 months without school to worry about.

When I think about it--- it's kind of funny how bored I feel while I am so stressed and busy. I'm probably less bored with my regular hobby like things and more bored with school and work.

Ick. I need to stop saying the word 'bored'. I really do not like that word.

So let's see. How to enjoy the present? Shall I practice mindfulness? Or shall I have drinks with my lover. I'm thinking the drinks/lover combination sounds more enjoyable at the moment <3

Sleepy

I am impressed. Two days off, in a row and on the weekend. This doesn't happen much anymore. Danial is making me a delicious breakfast as we speak. I'm pretty excited.

The next month will be a gross one. I my last month of school with lots of lovely things due, I am working 40 plus hours and have multiple admissions essays etc due. I'm becoming overwhelmed but trying soo hard not to.

We still haven't made it to PEI haha. I feel like we will be lucky to make it home for Christmas. I know that if we don't we will probably have family visit us here.

Our neighbors are crazy. The military police were over there again last night after a fight (at least screaming) in their front yard. One person had a baby in her arms while standing outside in that mess. Seriously, take the baby inside when people could be getting violent.

I guess that is all for now!

Feeling Better Now!

I had a day off to do all of those little things that matter and I feel so much better now!

I'm caught with school and am back on track with work. I ended up going with just one job because 40 plus hours and 3 courses wasn't working out so well :)

I spent today planning stuff for Master of Social Work schools. It is crazy, some schools need 4 references. Yikes!

I am sooo looking forward to December to take school off of my agenda until September 2011. Just 2 more months and this degree is finished!!!!!!!

We are thinking of going to PEI at some point during Thanksgiving weekend. Probably won't know until that Friday knowing how my work schedule goes.

Fumbling through fog

Fuck.
I am so annoyed with myself. I can't seem to think straight right now. My brain feels so cloudy. The nasty part is that this has been going on for more than today... It has been a lately thing. I randomly noticed today that I have an assignment due. WOOPS. I decided that I didnt need to leave for my 12:30 shift until 1:00... My boss was not happy with that one. When confronted I am so oblivious that it pisses me off imagining being required to talk to someone like me.

I really wish I knew what was going on with me :(

That is sadly, all that I can articulate about my present state.

Itz Poorin Babies

Another year, a whole lotta friends havin babies. Every year it seems like more and more people that I know are having babies. I'm 24. I know that isn't crazy old and it isn't crazy young but it feels so weird that my YOUNGER brother and sis's friends are now having kids too.

I remember working at the bank about 2 years ago and having a chat with a co-worker. She found out my age and said I better get working on the baby making. That completely weirded/freaked me out. I feel like I have tons of time for that... but do I? I keep saying that we are going to try once I finish school.. Approximately summer 2012 yo. But when I think about it more, I will probably feel like crap going to school for soo (:$) long and then leaving a wicked job right away for a mat leave.

.... I dunno. That type of ~life~ planning confuses and flusters me.

When I consider how busy Danial and I are now ...without kids... it makes me wonder how nuts it would be to throw children into the mix. But somehow everyone else if managing it.

Topic..... change..........

I got another job today. It is extremely social work related but has ridiculous hours.

Otherwise my life is stale. Stale yet self propelling.

Here's what's happenin

I was getting sick of trying to find a SW related job and then something popped onto the lovely job bank that caught my interest. Working in group homes that specialize in adult mental illness. I applied and had a call for an interview the next day. Had the interview and was hired on the spot. So far I am really enjoying it but still find myself job hunting online. Today I found a job that has multiple social worky programs that are contracted through the government of NB. I decided to do something that I can honestly say that I have never done before. I cold called them at 4 in the afternoon. The call just happened to be answered by one of the owners and we had a grand chat about this job as well as another one that she thinks might be suitable for me as well. Positive about this job is that is located right here in little ol' Oromocto. She told me to send her my resume (duh) and said that she looks forward to interviewing me. Maybe she was really interested or maybe she just wanted to get me off the phone. Who knows *shrugs*. I'll wait and see.

The other job she mentioned REALLY interests me because it has paid holidays and regularish hours.

That is my life right now. Nothing too exciting. Taking my last 3 courses and am pretty pumped for this degree to be finished in December.

~Jenn

This blog may be dying.....

It seems like since I decided to make this blog members only I have also decided to stop updating it!

A lot has been happening since my last post. Obviously I finally made the move to New Brunswick. We are pretty much settled in the little town that we are living in. I think I will enjoy being close to home and all that game. I want to make a random weekend trip home with Danial but we are poor! Waiting on move money to come in and student loan money. Once we have that we will be fine. We will also be in better shape when I begin to see some pay cheques.

I just had a pretty amazing weekend. The biggest reason is because I didn't stress about anything at all. Friday night we had people over for drinks and rock band, Saturday Danial and I did a movie night and last night we had dinner at our friends' and went to the cinemas. That is pretty much all that we did! Loved it. Of course school starts on Wednesday and I begin working more shifts next week but I am satisfied that I had a stress-free weekend before the craziness begins once again.

This Week

My lovebug is going into 'the field' until Friday. I will have the bed to myself but I'm guessing that I'll miss him too ;)
.... I may be paranoid.... or I may be just safe... I'm not telling Kingston folk that he will be gone. This concept was brought to me by Danial's mum. The people who end up being the freaks are the ones that you think are 'okay'. There is one person in particular who give me strange vibes. He might just be a friend but he kinda crosses a hypothetical line sometimes. I almost tole him on Thursday because of my apparent verbal diarrhea. Sick.

What else is new? I have one silly paper left which is due today... as per usual this is why my blog is being updated. I then have one week left of my work placement (woohoo!) and am moving in about 3 weeks. Even though I knew that we would probably be moving again it seems kind of surreal. I would much rather obsess over this move than write my silly paper.

The pooch is being a little gross. He keeps destroying his toys (for example his Frisbee) then eating pieces of the toy (plastic) and then vomiting. Sick.
He is still a big cutey... somehow.

Final news is... I want a real job. By real, I mean one related (at least semi-related) to social work. I will work anywhere once I get there but a call center doesn't really excite me.

Alright... that was enough garble for now... Maybe I can write this paper now??

2 weeks 2 weeks 2 weeks

I just have to wait two weeks. Just two weeks.

woot woot

I'm pretty excited. I have been planning a self esteem group for adolescents through art and it is really coming together. It feels good to have my ideas approved and then be able to move forward with my project. Oh right. I guess I should mention that this is part of my practicum.

This practicum is already really different from my first one. I have basically no limits and complete flexibility. It is a lot of responsibility but I think it will be worth it. I like my supervisor's approach because he is the "jump in and do it" type. I learn best by doing so it all works out. And honestly, I have taken so many courses that were just theory that it is really about time that I start practicing what I have learned.

It's hard to believe that we may be moving again in August. I knew that we would only be here a year but I actually really like it here. We will know for sure where we are going in June.

Uck

Feeling really shitty right now.
I have been like this off and on for a week or two now.. My head is just killing me with sinus pressure and I am nauseous almost all the time.
The pup isn't doing so much better. Last week we noticed that he was beating the crap out of his ear. We looked in to find it filled with yucky crusty blood. Poor guy has both ears infected.

I won't complain too much though. I finished all of my coursework Friday which means that I have no school worries until the 26th. I plan to do some extra volunteer work, spring clean, exercise and work the odd shift..Plus obviously take it easy!

I bet that we won't make it home this summer. We are both really busy until August which may be moving month...Time will tell!

MUSH

Yikes! I haven't posted in a long time! Pretty sure that is a good indicator of how nuts life has been.... In a good way though! I think that I mentioned before that I stopped working at the portrait studio because my term was too much. I also stopped volunteering because of that reason... well I just cut it down to basically nothing. I am happy that I realized this before my grades suffered. I would be really pissed if I let go of my A- average... especially because I'm trying to work that up to a solid A!

So yeah.. This has been my most challenging term EVER. This is hugely because I had no idea how draining my work placement was going to be... It was my most awesome work experience! My final month was spent working within a group that is really psychologically based (psychodynamic in fact).. which was cool because I already have a solid psychology education base. I can't believe how much I learned in such a short time! I am so happy that I decided to go back to school and had the chance to do my mental health placement. I hope that my next placement doesn't suck because this one was so amazing!

I start my next placement on April 26.. I am actually working with a military social worker... It should be interesting!

After the summer I will have 3 courses left of my degree!!! I then am an official S Worker! I am pretty pumped to get back to the work force...

So my brother stayed here for about 3 weeks. It was really good seeing him. I doubt that my sister is going to make it over. I have no idea when I will be able to make it back to PEI. Mom may come over and visit this summer which would be amazing :)

Have I mentioned that Danial finishes training in August?! That means that we'll potentially be moving somewhere this summer. We are trying to keep it in Ontario but really have no idea where we will be.

Blah.. I have two papers left for this week and then this term is over! I better get back to writing!

~j.

Ouch

Ugh. I hate push-ups. They were fine before I began worrying about my form which sucks. Every time that I get close to being low enough I collapse. Maybe I should just go back to my crappy pushups and build some more arm strength?
Other than complaining about pushups I have not been too bad with getting back into an exercise routine. I mean, I could not have easier access to the gym. I am happy because I have been running for longer periods of time and began doing some strength training.

I am in LOVE with my mental health practicum. I have always wanted to work in mental health and now I do not want to do anything else! It is definitely not easy work but it feels soo worth it at the end of the day.

I am so comfortable here in Kingston. Since we moved on base in November I felt right at home. Our apartment is amazing and life is somewhat back to normal.

My bro may be coming to stay for a while which I am so pumped about! My sis was also wishing she could come but she is in school so priorities obviously.

My heart is breaking.....

Better...

So it has been a rough beginning of the week. I am feeling much better now. My practicum seems to be more "together" now in a strange way. I wasn't really aware that is was kind of a mess until it began to improve haha. I am sooo looking forward to the weekend... Girls night! Pizza and wine? I think so!

I have been almost obsessively thinking about the future. It feels like I just got into Uvic and I am already planning my masters degree. I was considering taking a couple of years off after my bachelors to get work experience but I think I am just going to get it over with. I really miss working full time!

:l

I like to believe people do not need to become stressed by the actions of others. That I can only stress myself out and don't need to worry about how other ppl are acting. Sooo not true. I am so stressed right now because of another person. I am so stressed that I developed a knot in my shoulder.
It feels stupid because today in group therapy I ran a section for relaxing. Apparently I am a hypocrite. Teaching others how to relax when I cannot do it myself. I am high strung.

I put my two weeks in at Sears today because I just can't do it. It is not worth the bit of spare cash. I may need to stop volunteering too.

I feel like my stress since graduating high school is beginning to show on my face. I am 23. I do not want to look like I am in my mid thirties.

Scene--

Last weekend I met a couple of awesome gals that are also military spouses. They are my age n' we have a ton in common so it is pretty sweet. I must say that they aren't exactly like my friends from home hehe (love yas!) So I ended up going for drinks with one of them and met like ten more awesome chicks that have a lot in common with me too. We are all into social injustice and feminist theory etc. I have never had buddies to rant about this stuff with so it was sweet!

Side note- yeah I have ppl that I have been hanging with since I moved here in August but they are reaaalllyyy different than me.

I wish that my buds from home would text/call more often!

Man.. I am soo all over the place haha.

Grrrrrrr.... I when ppl try to have "serious" conversations with me over text. Just call!!!!

......?.... :/

Wow.. So I thought that when Danial went away for a month that I would have tons of free time to do my school work. Thinking that I was being smart I decided to continue working part time 1-2 days a week, take 3 courses, work 3 days a week at my field placement and top it off with volunteering twice a week. I don't understand why I do this to myself. It is like I get it in my head that I do not have a limit and can do it all.
"Cringe"
I am volunteering for the military families place and had no idea what I would be doing. My first day (Tuesday) they had me sit with another chick for 2 hours brainstorming 2 posters. ... I mean wow. 2 hours planning basic posters... Ick. I am going to try again next week but if it is not worth my time it is being cut out. I am complaining a bit now but I am wishful that it will get better.

I have been pretty stressed out since I got back to Kingston because I was waiting for my student loan. I can't stand the thought of using my credit card to pay for the daily things. Money came in today (Woohoo!) so first thing I took care of any of the credit card spending.

Happier things:
My new puppy loves me. It is weird adjusting to having a dog to take for walks and clean up after. I was stupid and did not puppy proof my place so today I came home to find that he chewed into two pairs of my heels. Grr.. That won't be happening anymore.

My field placement is cool. It is nice to have some real job experience. Reading about it only takes me so far. Seeing patients and learning about their backgrounds is really intense but that seems to be what I'm into.

Even though I am overwhelmed by my work load I am sooo bored. Working all the time sucks. I am complaining like I never do anything yet I went out Friday night dancing with Kat and had her over last night for girly time.

:/

Self Reflection

New year = Reflection. I am often able to ignore the New Year resolution bliss but this time it couldn't help but creep in.

I am not so interested in reflecting on my past year as I am for thinking about how I have generally evolved over the years.

As a younger version of my self I prided describing myself as open minded and spontaneous. Now I realize that I was open minded with people who were not the closet to me. I could very easily accept these strangers and acquaintances and their differing opinion. This has not been so true with people who are closest to me. I realize that I want or even expect these loved ones to see things how I do. When I realized that no one had the same spin on life as I do I felt quite disappointed. This made me wonder how I have ever expected others to share the same world views.

Recently I noticed this aspect of myself slowly changing. I became somewhat less stubborn and I attempt to be less controlling. Blah it is really hard to admit that I am controlling. I now acknowledge that I am not naturally open minded but am becoming more and more open to other world views. I know that this directly relates to my social work training. I suppose that this is my version of maturing.

I have always been described by others as mature for my age. This now is comical to me because in retrospect I feel that I was extremely immature. I am still immature. I don't think that I will ever really be that image of an "adult". I hope that Danial will be the same in this regard. So yeah.. There are some general things that I have picked up on.

Now: Last year I did this quiz so I am gonna do it again!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Traveled to both St Jean Quebec and Victoria BC by myself.
Became a social work student.
Moved to Ontario
"Became" part of a military family.
Got family portraits taken

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Sorta. I still sweat the small stuff but I am always working on it. This year I want to become fit enough to be a military social worker.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Sabrina/Cory, Courtney McAusland, Chelsea F.


4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Continued to explore Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
To move to a place where I can complete a MSW. More confidence in my decisions.


7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
When Danial left for the army, visiting him during basic training and the big move to Ontario.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting accepted to social work school!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Left a certain job on bad terms.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just my normal bumps and bruises.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new Bed!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Sarah and Danial. Sarah--you always try to be so positive.. Dan-- You made a huge life change and are sticking with it.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
No one made me both appalled and depressed.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel, rent, food, drinks

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting accepted to UVIC, GOING to Victoria, moving to Ontario, going back to PEI for Christmas.


16. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
A many Lady Gaga songs, a lot of Kingston alternative rock songs on the radio, The Dutches CD by Fergie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? A smidge sadder
b) thinner or fatter? a little thinner
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Explore Kingston. School work. Running.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being cranky and stressed.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
On PEI with friends and fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Still trucking with the hub.

22. How many one-night stands?
ZERO

23. What was your favourite TV program?
The Hills, Gossip Girl, Dexter, True Blood.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No hating last year.

25.What was the best book you read?
Twilight Series!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jason Mraz

27. What did you want and get?
Time to live "alone"

28. What did you want and not get?
To move to the place of my schooling

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Avatar.. lol

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 23 and was take out for supper with Irene and went for supper with the girls and went out I think.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Working the 2 months that I was in Limbo waiting to see if whether or not we were moving.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
None.

33. What kept you sane?
My kitty Chicken, mom, Sharlene, Danial, Sarah. Timothy's coffee breaks.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lady Gaga

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Immigration discrimination, Aboriginal issues

36. Who did you miss?
Danial

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't have a best.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
GO WITH THE FLOW!

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Poker face.

Good ol' blog

So, for those of you who are extremely unobservant my blog format has drastically changed. I like most of this layout except for the "coloured" tag thing. Hopefully I can get rid of it... some day.

I have had this blog since 2004 and find my "young" posts to be funny and immature. The thing about having a blog that is as old as this one is you never have a clue who reads the thing.

I have said it before but I find that my posts are really censored and I can't rant about what is really on my mind. With this said, I am considering making this into an "invite only" place. I really don't think that many people visit this place... I realize that I am NOT that interesting but paranoia consumes me.

If anyone out there is reading and would like to continue reading let me know!

I am going to think about it some more. We shall see.

<3 Love you S

I want to wish a certain lady best wishes and positive energy with her surgery which is scheduled tomorrow in Halifax.

You are strong and I believe you will make it through smoothly :)
<3 Jenn

Oh baby

It's Friday night,
Just got paid..
1 venti caramel brule latte
1 10 page paper due tonight
1 bundle of nerves

Ah, the memories. It seems that I am reminiscing with UNB days of all nighters, too much caffeine and anxiety.

Instead of writing my paper I am complaining about it here.
I have a huge file that I am attempting to submit for this project. I have been waiting forever for it to upload which means it will likely fAiL. At least if that happens I will have a legit excuse for passing it in tomorrow? Maybe?

It is a lovely video of me doing the social worker thang with a chick. I got to film it and watch it over and over again and critique it. I was disgusted from watching myself each time. Torture.

Lies-Kitty montage

Aww my kitty is so adorable. Look at all of the cute things that she does.. Yes those are my chubby hands with Dan's.. attempting to show off our wedding rings.. and the castle like photo is a swank "medium security" prison that we used to live by.

We moved across town last weekend. Perk of being a "military family" is all of the strong helpful men that are eager to help. 6 people are so much better than 2. I LOVE our place. Did I mention that I did not see it until we got the keys? We have so much more space. I was expecting a crappy place but they re-did pretty much everything so it feels new.. :) I am so happy with it.. We are actually unpacking which we really haven't done since we moved to Ontario.

That's all for now!

What am I trying to tell myself?

**Exhale
For some strange reason I am having another cycle of vivid dreams. Usually these cycles have themes like the end of the world, nuclear bombs, PEI flooding, being 3 hours late for something important etc. etc.

Now I have 2 themes:
same sex sex
reproduction

My girl on girl dreams always involve me and someone I know.. I am too embarrassed to spill these names on my public blog. I somehow find myself in sexual circumstances that I feel obligated to continue with. These dreams are not fun or even funny. Actually, they are kind of stressful and sad. I feel that if I say "no" these girls they will be heart broken. But then they become upset because they realize that I am not "enjoying" myself...

When I googled it here is what I got:
Dreaming that you are a lesbian (but you are not in your waking life) means a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and passion. You are comfortable with your sexuality and femininity. If, in your dream you abhor the notion of lesbianism, then it represents your fears and rejection of parts of your own sexuality. If you are a lesbian in your waking life, then the dream is simply a reflection of your own self.

So I wasn't actually a lesbian in my dreams but the first part of the above paragraph couldfit

My second theme has been about babies... People I know being pregnant, me being pregnant and the most recent one was my cat being pregnant.

My poor cat was both herself and a friend of mine in my dream.. She was raped and I found her in a field near death after miscarrying 4-5 pups that were approximately the same size as she is. When I questioned her about the happenings she became my human friend telling me about the multiple rapes that she has experienced by dogs.

I have no idea how to google that one.
My dreams are so intense and messed up.. Weird.

Halloween 2009

A dead zombie like fellow and a "punk" pirate made their way out on the town last night. I was impressed with the dance club that included minimal groping. Yet, I did see a little too much Vag for my liking.. In a room crowded with random ghosts and ghouls I might add. I get that Halloween give dames the opportunity to dress as racy as their hearts content but please, no penis and clam in public.

Anywho, it was a good night. I met a bunch of amazing people and am looking forward to doing it all again :)

The tension in my chest is lifting...

sdlfkjsdklfsldfjasldkjf
I finally got the nerve to once again attempt to talk to the student loan appeal dude. I emailed and got a lame response about how busy they were and to check in a week. The same response I have been getting for the last 3 weeks...

Danial randomly decided to check my loan status and look who decided to finally do their job! I now have some money to live off of...

Also got my laptop back today... my love bug hassled the shop for their mess up and we ended up getting everything we wanted and more for free.

All I want for Christmas~

is to go home!!!!

I am a big baby who want to be home for the holidays. Keeping fingers crossed!

..................

Danial took my laptop into Future Shop yesterday to have extra RAM installed.. The technician attempted to update the BIOS and failed. May need a new motherboard. Listen to all of this computer lingo coming out of ma mouth! Point of the story is that I may be without my laptop for 2-3 weeks.

So we decided to celebrate this with Whiskey and Vodka as any good patron would. I wonder how much of our rowdiness that our neighbour(LanDlorD) heard. Doesn't really matter,,, we are outta here in November. How responsible of me.

PEACE

You know what really erks me??

The fact that the student loan people call my approved amount an "award". Really? An award that I get to pay back with interest when I am finished?

As usual I appealed my loan at the beginning of September... I am beginning to get stressed about it though because it's taking longer than usual to get approved. I have this term payed for but I need to be able to live too.. ugh.

The last time I called the appeal guy he was so nasty that he almost made me cry. I tried to get around talking to him today but he is the ONLY one with my answers. Man. Is it really not enough to put me in crazy debt? You really need to make me feel like shit on a personal level too?

Obviously, I just need to get thicker skin and hassle him. I can't be such a sensitive crybaby.

Danial took a peek at one of the base apartments today. We are going to go for it. It will be nice. We will be upgrading from a 1 bedroom apartment with no closet space to a 3 bedroom apartment with a storage area. We will need to buy a fridge and stove which is kind of weird. I have never owned appliances for an apartment. There is also washer/dryer hookup so I am almost regretting that we sold ours.

All in all I am pretty happy right now. I go through big ups and downs about being married to someone in the military but right now it feels okay. I feel like I might have reached a balance.

Yes, I am doing on of THOSE posts

Layers of the onion..............

LAYER 1: Tell us your…

* Name: Jenn
* Birthday (month, day): April 3
* Birthplace: Charlottetown, PE
* Current location: Kingston, ON
* Eye color: green/hazel
* Hair color: light brown with blondish tones.
* Height: 5'7
* Righty or lefty: Lefty
* Zodiac sign: Aries

LAYER 2: What’s…

* Your heritage: French, German..
* The shoes you wore today: None- I didn't leave the apartment :/
* Your weakness: Chick flicks, no matter how devastating
* Your fears: Not being able to become happy with life
* Your perfect pizza: greek pizza with ranch sauce
* Goals you’d like to achieve: MSW
* Your first waking thoughts: What time is it?
* Your best physical feature: Maybe my eyes?
* Your most missed memory: Being crazy close to certain awesome ppl

LAYER 3: Do you…

* Smoke: Not recently
* Cuss: Fuck yes
* Sing: Yes. Usually I am unaware that I am doing so
* Do you think you’ve been in love: Yes
* Did you go to college: University, yes
* Liked high school: Didn't hate it didn't love it
* Want to get/stay married: Yes
* Believe in yourself: Usually
* Think you’re attractive: I sometimes manage to convince myself
* Think you’re a health freak: Nope
* Get along with your parent(s): Usually
* Like thunderstorms: Yes, but they scare me haha
* Play an instrument: Nah

LAYER 4: In the past month have you…

* Drank alcohol: Yes
* Smoked: nope.. Except for second hand
* Done a drug: nope
* Made out: Yes
* Gone on a date: Indeed
* Gone to the mall: Mostly because I work there :/
* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.. eww
* Eaten sushi: Yes
* Been on stage: No
* Been dumped: Nope
* Gone skating: No
* Gone skinny dipping: No.. I am no longer that close to the ocean
* Stolen Anything: No.. unless you count failing to make a stupid waitress aware that she undercharged me.

LAYER 5: Have you ever…

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
* Been caught “doing something”: This is probably going right over my head.. but if it is fooling around, most likely.
* Been called a tease: Yes
* Gotten beaten up: No
* Shoplifted: Yes

LAYER 6:

* Age you did get/hope to be married: Married
* Numbers and names of children (either you have or want): No more than 2.. I like the German name Resme
* Describe your dream mate: Someone loving, open, honest and loyal
* How do you want to die: In my sleep when I am wrinkly beyond recognition
* What did you want to be when you grow up: Psychologist, actress, singer
* What country would you most like to visit: Somewhere in Europe

LAYER 7: Now tell…

* Name a drug you’ve taken illegally: Hmm… marijuana
* Name a person you could trust with my life: Danial
* Name a favorite CD that you own: I do not own many CD's but am loving the Yeah Yeah Yeahs right now
* Number of piercings: ears.. 2
* Number of tattoos: None
* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Maybe 3 or 4? From wayyy back
* Name a past experience that you regret: I am trying not to regret the past right now.. but probably the unnecessary offensive things that I have said to ppl

Q?

Danial and I were talking a few days ago about how much it will suck for him to drive to work in the winter. Currently, he has to wake up around 5am just to be out the door to get to work on time. Obviously with crappy weather it is gonna take him longer to drive all the way across town. If he is late for work (say stuck in a snow bank) he gets in a lot of trouble. When we realized this, it was obvious that living on the base would be sooo much more convenient and stress free (for him).

I know! I have groaned and snorted about the idea of living on base before but it has some positives to it. He contacted the military personnel living quarters place and it seems that a "Q" (apartment) will be available by November 15th.

Living on base would also mean that I would be conveniently close to the gym.. Lunch time aerobic woot woot! A 9 month membership will cost me 30 bucks!!! I don't even think that my UPEI gym membership was that cheap.

So how many moves would that be in the last 12 months? 5. Feels like 2004/2005 all over again. Whatever. Someday I will settle down.

Life Life Life

Here is my daily(ish) routine:
~Drag myself out of bed as early as possible
~Check my online school thang and attempt to read the 100 missed messages from the last 12 hours
~Attempt to get organized to be productive
~Force myself to do some school reading.. Luckily a random reading will be really interesting
~Watch some TV online that I missed the night before (ANTM, Greek)
~Attempt more school/lunch
~Finally shower and get ready for work
~Bike or walk to work
~Become really pissed that I am at work even though it is just a 4 hour shift
~Come home and wonder why there is hardly any school work done

It seems that I am not the most productive while schooling at home. I always find ways to better occupy my time such as laundry, random internet, checkin out photo albums...
LAME LAME LAME

I guess that is not really all that I do.. I also get to stress about my student loan not yet arriving and the fact that I desperately want to go home for Christmas. My grammy is getting old and I don't want to miss xmas with her. Not to mention missing everyone else.

When I was in Victoria I met a lot of cool dudes who live in Vancouver. Maybe I should move there(ha). Next year Dan finds out where he will be posted and I don't want to stay in Kingston. Possibilities include: Halifax, Ottawa and Victoria.

On a happier note: I have never done a practicum of any sort so am going through the long confusing process now. I met with someone from a place for mental health and it turned out that I was being kinda sorta interviewed. Know what I mean? You speak with someone and agree to meet so they can explain to you what they do and then it turns into them interviewing you.

Anyhow it worked out because he wants me. Probably not sexually but definitely for a field placement. I wasn't aware of this until he began sending me huge emails about the process of having a 'mask fitting', getting my email set up and keys.

Does no one else get this excited about working in mental health?!
Yeah, I am pretty excited.

Gimme a minute

So I decided to leave it till the night before to really plan for my Victoria trip. I need to meet some rad social work buddies this week to get into trouble with.... HA.. I feel that my rad buddies will all be older and at a completely different life stage than me.

Here is a list things my instructor told me to bring:
scissors,
markers, crayons
a pic of me when I was a child
a cultural icon
pics of friends, family and places
a mug
a glue stick
a book with a hard spine
music
maybe a poem

Obviously completely different than what I expected. I guess we will be doing some crafts and sharing.

I will be soooo happy when this degree is finished. I need to be back in the workforce. Don't get me wrong.. I like school.. I am happy to have the opportunity to go to school but I miss making money.

I STILL haven't explored Kingston... really..

I have a new perspective with Danial being in the army. It actually gives me some direction with life. Before I had a freakish amount of options and choices to make. Now it seems so much easier to see what our future might be like. There are some pretty sweet benefits that come with being in the military.

Ahhhh. I keep forgetting to plan my practicum for school. I am supposed to do it by the first of school.. which is in 2 weeks. It feels impossible.. I have no idea what is here or where I would like to go. All I do know is that I don't want to be doing child services for this one.

Okay...So here is my spanking *new* life

I am kinda wound right now. As some of you know, I recently got a job as a family photographer. It is cool because through this job I will earn my photographer certification. Also, I was hired to be the assistant manager. I am not looking for a job that stresses me out like crazy (*Cough* bank :S)but this seems like it will be good.

It is also pretty sweet that our studio just went digital so the ability to be creative is endless. I have not been fulfilling my creative needs for the last year so now I'm happy.

At the end of this month I am going to Victoria.. yeah you know that. I just got off the phone with my professor so I am now really pumped. Sure it is only a week of face to face training but it is going to be such a good experience. If I am lucky I will get to scoot over to Vancouver and see a certain buddy.

Haha.. I am lame... getting excited about work AND school.

Clearly, I am loving living with Danial again. It is cool to see how adaptable that we are.

AS FOR KINGSTON: It is surrounded by water! There are even beaches close by. I am pretty sure that one of my biggest disappointments about moving away from PEI was being away from the water. I need to take some photos of Kingston so yas can see what I'm talking about.

As previously mentioned: I Love Ontario shopping! It is nice to have some variety. There a couple of cool looking vintage shops that I would like to explore.

All in all... Kingston seems to be the perfect 'stepping stone' to living in a big city. There are more people but they still look you in the eye when you walk past them on the street.

So yeah,,, things are pretty good so far...Except for missing my buds and family like crazy. My dreams are once again haunting me about how silly stuff went down in the past. I hate it. Waking up from a dream relating to something that happened 5 years ago with friends that I am no longer close to. It makes me re-evaluate and consider making amends. Until, eventually I remember why I decided to do things as I did... yuck.

Hello Kingston

Yep. I am here in Kingston now. I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by awesome shopping at all times. Which is probably why Danial and I purchased a new bed and 37' flat screen on our first day. Yikes :)

Since Friday I have been sleeping on an air mattress with a leak. Pretty crappy. BUT our new bed arrived today so it should be an awesome sleep tonight.
Currently, I am procrastinating. I have a paper due tomorrow. Then this summer class will finally be over!

I am brainstorming about where I would like to work. I am thinking that it needs to be a job that I don't need to stress over. Possibly a waitress? hmm.

I am getting really excited for my upcoming Victoria trip. It will be the only time for my social work degree that I am required to meet with fellow students face to face.

Eek

Thursday is coming soon.. our day of departure. It is crappy because it is also a crazy week for school work. I would much rather chill with buds before I leave instead of writing papers and studying for finals :S

I should stop complaining. I have the entire month of July off and I am not living on the streets in poverty. Who knows when I will ever get a summer month off again? Care-free summers are pretty amazing.

I am really looking forward to having my own place again :)

P.S.: Even though I live merely 5 minutes away from the beach I have not seen it this month. Usually I am a beach addict... so wtf? Eh. Maybe I will get there this week... mmm Beach Beer.

Oh yeah.. update...

-Danial found out that he has a 2 week vacation from July 18th till Aug 2nd.
-He will aid me with moving shenanigans.
-I am jobless for my time remaining on PEI
-Planning my trip to Victoria for social work training~wootwoot
-I already miss my PEI buds
-Canada's wonderland....
-Listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Army STILL hasn't 'approved' our move

Since when is everyone pregnant?

Plann~ish

Yep.. I've now got a kinda sorta plan. Danial has been apartment hunting.. so he is hoping to get one that is available in July. He looked at one that he likes last night and will probably take it.

If that is a "go" then I will take a carload up at the beginning of July.

Hopefully I can work something out for our kitty (Chicken). I took her to the vet last week and they say that she is healthy but she gets crazy nervous traveling.
I tried to dope her up with *vet recommended* Benedryl as a test run today. She started frighteningly salivating and frothing as if she had rabies. Then her eyes began to water and I felt like an awful kitty momma.

She then proceeded to upchuck the 1/4 tablet of Benedryl along with her breakfast.

It sucks. She has always been a freak about traveling but now it is getting to the point where I think that she will have a panic attack etc etc.

When I took her in to the vet she got crazy, bugged her eyes out and her mouth began to stretch open with her tongue hanging out. She then began panting as if she could not get any air. Then to top it off she peed her fur pants.

Any ideas as to how I can move her to Kingston without killing her?

Come to the desert and I'll circumcise you

Man, I haven't heard that song in forever.

For a long time now I have been kind of grossed out with this blog. My posts are so fluffy with only a censored line or two about what is truly on my mind.

Lately I have been outraged about issues that have been bubbling to get out of me. I'm thinking that I will begin ranting about them here.

I also need to change my blog template. The good ol martini lounge just doesn't seem to represent like it used to.

With that said, who knows whether or not it will happen.

Please stop spinning..... Please stop spinning!

I am finally accepting that Danial will probably not be coming to PEI to move our crap like I hoped. Unfortunately when paperwork goes missing it screws up plans. Funny how that goes. The office people keep telling him to come back the next day to get an update. Quite impressive use of technology ey?

Speaking of technology, my laptop is becoming useless. It especially likes to be a challenge when I am trying to do school work.. on a deadline of course.

Oh yeah, back to moving. Seems likely that I will be doing the move around July 6th. If it turns out that way I plan to hire some friendly movers. I am already cranky enough without moving hehe.

I guess that is it for now. I lost any inspiration I had to write.

What's up, what's up?

Fuck I am sexy with a cold. So fucking sexy.

It's almost JUNE 1st. Dan updated me with his army posting orders. This changed our plans so that I am moving at the beginning of July which I'm actually kinda excited for. I hear that Kingston is a big penitentiary town which gives me lots of work to do. (By work I mean get a rad Social Work practicum)

It was.... interesting to have the chance to live apart but I am OVER it. 5 months is enough to get a taste. Think it is lame if you want.. but I want to live with my lover.

I wonder.. what will Kingston bring? Will it be horrible and boring? Or an exciting adventure. I have to guess that it will be neither. Oh well. I think that it is time for me to leave PEI for a while. I have been back since 2005.. so yeah.. it is time.

I was thinking about what I was doing this time last year and realized that I was wasting away at the bank. Even though I am not in the happiest living situation I am damn glad that I am not working there.

I must admit that my job is growing on me. Having dudes that are the same age as my brother call me "teacher" is pretty hilarious. It is also kind of funny that they seem to like it the harder that I am on them.


Internet School

Is it for me? Do I like it or hate it? I have no clue. I will likely wait to decide until after I get some grades back.

Oh yeah.. that is basically my life right now. Internet school, work, volunteering... oooo I am happy that my crisis line volunteering is almost finished. I find it to be soooo stressful.

Gross

I made some chicken and I didn't cook it all the way through WHOOPS.

Summer summer summer. How I have missed you.
I am still getting into the new routine of work and school. I am trying to gauge how it's gonna be but no luck yet. Too early.

My job requires a lot of creativity apparently. I like to think that I am creative but that may be just wishful thinking. Silly me. I assumed that I would get to use material from the last person who did this job. That would have been nice... instead of doing the whole term from scratch. It is pretty surprising the amount of freedom I have with it.

.... I'm moved out of the apartment and now at Melissa's. I'm so happy that the move is finally finished. I am just waiting for Natasha and Cory to move out so that the landlord can do the inspection.

Monday is my first day of work and school. I am excited for school but not so much for work. I am hoping that work will be kind of flexible with days off. I won't complain though because I will have the weekends off.

Last weekend I drove to Quebec to visit Danial. It was a pretty sweet weekend. I headed over Thursday to get there early and have a mini vaca by myself. We had Boston Pizza... I know-- we have one on PEI no big deal. The Boston sized drinks were pretty enjoyable though.

This week Danial is in the woods somewhere sleeping in a tent doing his army man exercises. I will be heading there again to see Dan for his army grad on May 14. Then he has to report for duty on Sunday in Borden Ontario.

I kinda feel sorry for him because he is going to miss PEI summer. I doubt that he will get the chance to pop home for a visit.

Good

Finished my exams and now have 3 weeks to do..... what? Hmm. I get pissed at myself because I get so excited for time off but when it happens I get anxious with nothing to do. Time off should work out this time cause I have to move.

Apparently Danial and I have a horrid issue with keeping unnecessary things such as telephone bills from 2007. Gross.
I will likely get stir crazy and make a trip to Quebec to visit Danial. No one plans to go to Montreal for the end of April ey?

I will probably end up going myself. Brave it or whatever.

So I found out that I got the job at UPEI. It should be interesting. I met with the instructors that I will be working with today and we created a general layout for the term. I think that I'm really going to like it. In the afternoons I get to take the students to different places to teach them about PEI. I am planning on taking them to the beach once or twice so it should be good :D

I haven't been excited about a job in soooo long that I have forgotten what it is like to work somewhere that I like.

So my birthday turned out a lot better than I thought. I had three birthday cakes and was completely spoiled. Friends and family certainly came through :D

I have been boozing with family over the last couple of weeks which is always interesting. Last night my mother kind of made it clear that I am a real 'mix breed'. Lots of German, Scottish, French and English.

APRIL 3rd

Ek. I am exhausted. For some reason I got myself all sketched out about a intro sociology paper that is due today. I don't understand what my problem was. I didn't care about anything else that was due this week nearly as much as this stupid first year paper.
Whatever, I am glad that classes are finished!!!!

It is my birthday today as well. Right now I am being a big crybaby and wishing that I got to spend it with Danial. This is the first time that I will be celebrating it without him since I was 17 or something.
Here is a tribute me being a fucking cry pussy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OVGCK91Bt8

SO- I was disappointed because I didn't even get April fooled this year! Is it pathetic that I look forward to being fooled?

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be one of those *extra vulgar nights.

Fuck. I just need to shutup and be positive.

Opportunity ya shay?
mmmmm I just made a really yummy spaghetti dish. I made whole wheat spaghetti Alfredo. Then in a separate pan I made a stir fry of yellow pepper, onions and mushrooms with a hot salsa. mmm. then I poured the stir fry over the pasta and it mixed to become something amazing.
I am sure that chef's have a fancy name for this or something. So good!

I had an interview today for a summer position at UPEI within the english assistance program. I think that it went okay. Apparently I will find out by Wednesday. I haven't had an interview for a job that I cared about for a few years. The job would be to: tutor students English, coordinates activities, possibly assist with the EAP summer courses and other random office crap. The majour focus being international students.
It would be 30 hours a week--Monday till Thursday 9 till 3 and Friday 9 till 12. C'mon-- that is sweet.

It would begin in May which would happily give me the Month of April off. This would be convenient for moving and all that.

I am probably going to make another trip to Quebec in April. St Jean is such a boring town that I think that we should probably stay in Montreal for the weekend this time.

Apparently Danial is doing well with the army and all. He says that during the week it is disgustingly busy.

Relief
I got a letter from university of Victoria today indicating that I have been accepted to their social work program. This means that my life no longer feels like it is on hold and I can begin to make some general plans for the future. It is a distance program so I am able to move anywhere which is A+. I will likely move to Kingston Ontario with Danial in the summer after he is shipped there.

I am happy that I will be able to live with my hubby but am a bit sad that I will be leaving all of my buddies. It won't be happening for a long time yet though. I just want enjoy the positive side for now.

I don't mean to sound cocky, but I am pretty proud of myself for getting in. I applied last year and was rejected. So I have been working my ass off for school and it seems that it is paying off.

Arg-- I cannot let myself forget about a meeting that I have tomorrow evening..

Panorama Zing-- Strange Australians

So Thursday night at midnight I officially decided to make a trip to Quebec to visit Danial. I called my parents to let them know in case I ended up dead on the side of the road. By 1 AM my dad decided that he would come along for the ride. This was convenient because he brought along his GPS.

It was not a fun short road trip but worth it both for Danial and I. He wasn't "aloud" out until the following day because they failed their Friday inspection. We didn't know for sure that he had Saturday off until Saturday at 12:00 ish. It was all on a whim.

We had a pretty good night together except for a fucking ridiculous email from my X-boss. I am so glad that I do not work there anymore.

We headed home around 3pm on Sunday. Some of the excitement included picking up hitchhikers in Quebec and driving them all the way to Moncton and narrowly avoiding a collision with a moose or some deer on the highway going 120kph
Since my father just loves to make things exciting he convinced me to push the gas tank as far as it could go. He kept telling me that there was a gas station just minutes up the road. Minutes turned into 40 minutes and we slimley avoided running out of gas. It was the first time that I have ever gotten 570 Kilometers on a tank.

I got home on Monday at 4am and was a zombie until basically right now- Tuesday evening.

It is getting to be the end of my school term, thank god. I just want it to be over. It is hard enough to work on courses at all let alone do well at them right now.

I learned a new term today from a homosexual guest speaker.
Fruit Fly- female that hangs out predominately with gay men. Example Grace from Will and Grace.

I also learned the origin of the term fagot which is from the days of witch burning. Fagot is a term for kindling. When a witch was to be burned the towns people gathered homosexual men and women and used them as "kindling" for their fire.
Fancy that. So much tact and class.

This class also allowed me to see pictures of females and males post operation. The most interesting was the penis that was turned into a vagina. One Female to male was really well done while the other was not so much.

Aside from thinking of vagina and penises I have been thinking about where I will be living by the end of the summer. Seems like it will either be PEI or Kingston Ontario. Hopefully I will have that figured out within the next month.

Winter Thaw Please

The weather slowly changing to my liking. It is so nice to get out of class before dark. Not that I think a lot of myself but I hate walking to the far parking lot at UPEI after dark. You never know who is lurking in the corners.

I relieved a lot of school stress today because I did a group presentation that was worth a wack. Thank god it is over with. I was really lucky this time because the other people in my group were not slackers. It was also nice because they were not simply difficult.

This Saturday I am looking forward to :D
It is my last day at the bank-- and I even cut a deal with a co-worker so I can sneak off a few hours early.
I am pumped for our girly trip to Moncton. It should be a good time.

I have been attempting to plan a visit to Quebec to see my other half but it is complicated. He will not know if he has permission to have the weekend off until FRIDAY. I was going to fly but flights booked 'the day of' seem to be outrageously priced.
I may just end up waiting until I am finished of school and have the time to drive.

In 3 weeks I will be finished of BMO... FOREVER.

Don't gag
I have been kind of reflecting on life. It is crazy how much things change in such a short period of time. It seems like my life is always "up in the air". I don't think that I am complaining about it- just contemplating.

Don't get me wrong. I am not living a crazy roller coaster life but it is certainly different than my mother's life. I am thinking that the reason that so much change is happening so often is because of my age. I am young and it shouldn't be a huge shocker. I guess that the thing is-- the changes have been pretty big for me lately.

I will get some direction by the end of March. That is when I should know whether or not I have been accepted by University of Victoria. If I am accepted, I will likely move to Kingston Ontario which is where Danial will be doing his specialized training. That is the wonderful thing about internet programs. They will never hold me down to one location.

If I am not accepted, it only makes sense for me to continue going to UPEI. I would love to live with Danial, but I need to do what is best for me. I mean, he is doing what is best for him.

I guess that I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that we could be living apart for at least one year. I know, I know. I should have known this for a long time. I am sometimes slow to accept reality. That is a long time to live away from my spouse. I want to make sure that I am being clear. I am just becoming aware of how different our lives together can end up.

I am probably repeating myself a bit, but it is what keeps coming to my mind.

Aside from that goo-
I have one midterm left. If I am not accepted to university of Victoria I plan to take summer courses.
One being a philosophy course about existentialism! This gets me far to excited considering that it is both a class and summer school. When I found this course on the summer timetable I must have been making noises because my room mate called to me from her room asking why I was so excited. I think that this could qualify as sad but I don't care because I am so excited!

Eh
It is week 2 living without my husband and I have noticed an emotional trend. When he is able to call me often, I feel fine. When he calls rarely, I begin to feel strange about the whole thing and become confused. My confusion is about how good or not good I can be about the whole thing. I know that it makes sense, but it bothers me that this is happening. I wish that I could have feelings that are level rather than up and down.

It is just such a huge change.-------------

SCHOOL* I saw my exam schedule and it appears that my last exam is on Saturday, April 11th at 7:00PM. I am still so shocked that UPEI has Saturday exams. At the time being it doesn't bother me because I to be finished after the first week of exams. I looked at the summer course listing and there is not a single psychology or family science course that I can take. Shouldn't they hire professors that do not mind teaching summer courses?
This means that I will likely be taking distance courses somewhere. Honestly, I have no idea what I am doing this summer. I don't even know whether or not I will be living on PEI.

WORK* One thing is for sure. I will not be working full time at the bank. Even though it would be easy to obtain I would not feel good about it. I am not sure if I will be with the bank at all by the summer. I don't need to worry about it yet though. The only thing is if I want to visit Danial in Quebec it will be tough to get the time off (I work Saturdays).

Supper without Danial (or Natasha):
Peanut butter sandwich with red pepper, banana and a dab of honey.
For those of you who do not know-- supper for me is usually a home cooked meal.
hmmm?

It doesn't seem that I will need to buy a bed after all. I was getting stressed about dishing out that much money. Especially because it would have been student loan money.

Natasha and her two cats are here now. That makes 3 cats in our apartment. I was wondering if it was gonna feel as if there were too many animals, but it isn't too bad. Our place is kind of wacky with stuff everywhere right now..

haha.. 'Hero' by Papaya just came on via music shuffle. It inspired me to look up the youtube video. Nice. It definitely reminds me of listening to 90's dance music back in the day. Check it out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTrTVNYBOho


I seem to have forgotten how long it can take to write a research paper. I have been working on it all day. You wouldn't know that by looking at the document because it consists of a title page and the reference list. The bibliography took me an hour to do WITH citation machine. Intense.

I will be so happy for this week to be over. Next week is spring break and I plan to do a hell of a lot of chilling. It won't be too precious because mid-terms continue the following week. Oh well.

Today

Danial's plane left this morning at 9AM so we shall see things go. Natasha gets in around 5pm today which is funny timing. My only time officially living alone is today.

Little more boring:
I think that I have decided to buy a new bed. It will be the first new bed I have ever owned. While shopping around it is amazing to see the different types of bed makings. It is kind of annoying because all I really want is a nice comfy bed that lets me sleep.

What?

I have avoided procrastinating with school for a long time now... until this special paper that I have due tomorrow. Why am I torturing myself?

Name change... again?

I have had this discussion with many of my friends, some family and acquaintances. When I married Danial the issue of name change turned up. As in many families it was usual for the woman to take the man's last name. We briefly considered the options and then selected the typical.

I then began attending UPEI and took a variety of women studies courses and began to learn about the origin of marriage. As many of us know not so long ago women have been considered the property of man etc etc. I have increased my knowledge (and opinion) regarding gender which built a fire within. I made the choice to change my name without knowing. With the loss of my last name came the loss of the identity that was associated with it. Obviously not 100 percent but enough for me to notice.

This has caused a lot of conflict for me. I am kind of wondering what your opinions are on this?

I guess the next part of the situation is the option to change my name back. When I mentioned this to my mother she said " people are going to think that you got divorced". Obviously she is probably right but is that enough reason to continue this tradition?

I don't want to imply that I against tradition but I have believed that I am part of an equal relationship. If relationships are 'equal' than why is it that the women are the ones that change their last names? Why isn't it a 50/50 thing? Obviously there is still a lot of socialization that makes men feel they should keep their names.

Aside from my casual ranting (haha) my biggest thought is whether or not to change my name back. At this point I have almost decided to.

I have been pretty overwhelmed and stressed over the last while. It seems that there is so much to do all the time. I had a pretty refreshing day today. I had a little bit of a chance to sleep in this morning and then went bowling with my family. It was interesting because it was our first family event that had four couples.

I have been craving pizza delight for a ridiculous amount of time considering that it is practically across the street. After bowling we all headed there for lunch. I wish that I could sat that it was amazing but I got a salad that was more croutons that lettuce. Oh well, I can't complain too much about a free meal.

Dan and I went home afterward and chilled in our sunny living room on the couch.
So yeah, it has been an pretty chill Sunday.

We bought a whole chicken which we plan to make for supper tonight. This even despite the warning that kidneys may still be located inside the carcass. haha

I hope that this semi-lazy day allows me to re-energize and get back to the books.

I have that scratchy feeling in my throat.